Portraits of Perseverance

After a hurricane, comes a rainbow

2012-02-18T22:19:00.004-08:00

Some time ago, one of my close friends tried to commit suicide by jumping off from a building. Thankfully he survived the fall. We, his close friends, were all very disturbed. We had always been there for each other, why didn't he confide in us if he was having problems?

He was hospitalized for a few months, and those were the quietest times of our group's friendship life. As teenagers, we were all grappling with the ups and downs about growing-ups, we thought we have answers to our friends' problems, but we didn't! Who would think that a guy like him --funny and always joking around -- would try committing suicide?

He was a young, healthy boy. What was on his mind when he decided to jump? He lost a few of his teeth, and he had staples and stitches all over his body. He will physically never be the same again, just like Jenny when her legs were amputated over 26 years ago.

Jenny didn't choose to give birth to still-borns. She didn't choose to have her legs amputated, let alone having them amputated wrongly. Reading her story makes me think how we should choose the courses of our lives.

During the recent Chinese New Year, I had the opportunity to visit Jenny at the Ipoh General Hospital. She was admitted again to prepare her for a surgery at the KL General Hospital. I went with a friend, his family and their friends, to see her to give her good wishes.

There she was, laying on the bed, perched on her elbows, dressed in the typical hospital gown, smiling so happily when she saw us. "Kong hei fatt choy," she greeted us.

We stayed in the hospital for almost 2 hours talking to her. One of the little girls who was with us asked Jenny how tall Jenny was before her legs were amputated. "5'6," Jenny replied, to which the little girl responded, "Wow, you must have been very pretty!" Jenny smiled and gave her a hug.
It was a rainbow smile -- a smile I will always remember.
I smiled too.

Despite all her struggles... Jenny always chooses to be happy. It seems so easy for her to do this.
I wish my friend could meet Jenny and learn from her. What is there bnot to smile when he has health, youth, family and so many friends!

Everyone has tough situations to deal with in life including us teenagers. Its just a matter of handling things without doing anything negative. Whether we want to embrace tough situations and make the best out of them or complain... especially when it comes to the small things in life that don't really matter.

So the next time you complain about the little things in life that won't matter in a while, think about Jenny.
So what's your excuse for being upset?

One of my favorite songs, "I can see clearly now"

-Rhonwyn-

I am learning to relax

2012-02-17T02:41:00.005-08:00

Justina ( Lucy's best friend who passed away in Jan 2011. Both of them have been models for the Salaam Wanita project for eHomemakers) had a list of places to visit in the world and people she liked to meet - President Obama at the White House in Washington DC, Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, the mayor of New York, Bario in Borneo Sarawak, California, London, and the seven wonders of the world. She also dreamt about taking a cruise around the world for a year with Lucy.

"Where to get the money to go-oh?" she laughed about her silliness when she recounted these places to me.

It was her enthusiasm and curiosity for life that made me promised her that I would find her a way. I didn't know how then ( and still don't know how to spread her ashes to those places.....), but I knew one thing -- one step at a time.

Justina and my family were showing intern, Jugo, how to taste durian in this 2010 video. See her lively and carefree persona.

Lucy in Cambodia

With a stroke of luck, this project was able to combine the attendance of a Fair Trade Conference in Cambodia with a filming activity for Lucy's story. Lucy finally met with other homeworker leaders who barely spoke a word of English and she realized that she was a capable lady!!

The opportunity was really a miracle, it just came! When I was sitting in the tuk tuk with Lucy, watching Morgan and Rhon cycling behind us towards Angkor Wat, I felt so good that my promise to Justina to visit Angkor Wat and Tonle Sap was fulfilled. Her ashes were in a plastic tupple wear in my knapsack and I carried it everywhere I went- field trip in a slum, Angkor Wat, museum, Tonle Sap temple and walk arounds!!!

Lucy looking out at Tonle Sap

Lucy spread her ashes at the two places. And Lucy laughed, not feeling sorrowful about her best friend's absence -- this was what Justina had wanted for Lucy all these years!

"Laugh and be happy, who cares?" I heard Justina saying this in my ears.

My guilt about my inability to help her get an immediate surgery for the gall bladder stone removal was finally ebbing away.

Lucy preparing Justina's ashes.

A friend told me recently, "Justina went away to a better world because her time here was finished. She went away because she is giving Lucy a chance to grow into the person she had wanted her to be -- a Lupus patient who takes risk to try anything new, be active publicly, has no fear about what people say about her, and has a 'can do' attitude."

"And Justina is also giving you answers to the questions you have about God!" she said pointedly.

I pondered about her wisdom for weeks. Answers to my questions about 'why', 'why the dark hours are so long', 'when am I getting breakthroughs to what I am doing with eHomemakers?' are beginning to form shapes.

Am I not seeing the answers?

So I started to be more conscious about everyone abnd everything's presence in my life.

Think positive, Ching Ching, don't sweat the small things, don't take things too personally, look at the non-toxic people around you, look at all the good things around you.

Look, look, look!!!

Yes, I am LOOKING!!

Lucy is really a different person now. She talks and laughs more. I did begin to see her in a different light during the Cambodian trip! I felt a sense of peace just sitting with her in the tuk tuk despite the scary traffice around us.

I got to see two young ladies, Morgan and Rhon, being fascinated by the Conference and all things Cambodian.

Morgan and Rhon at a dressed up as Indian and Chinese for a get-together night at the Conference in Jan 2012

When I look at the picture of both of them, I tell myself, "Hey, you have blessings and you are not treasuring the moments with them. Stop moaning about God's absence. He has sent you all these angels! You have not been alone! When you needed assurance at the beginning of 2012, you got Lucy, Rhon, Morgan to be with you in an unusual place full of history. You heard laughters. You saw their curiosity about life. Remember what Jenny Pong said in her video journal at the hospital ( when she has painful infection)? Always think positive, life is too short."

Yes. YesZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Think of the moments, the NOW that you are living in!

Yesterday, I watched this video of me eating crickets in Siem Reap for lunch and I laughed and laughed. All the worries about finance, eHomemakers's future, and me standing at a cross-road in life just disappeared.

I felt light-hearted.
These are moments to treasure.

This one-year project has given me so many insights about life's ups and downs through all the people involved. And it has been confirming to me that I have been blessed in many ways, it is just that I don't seem to see the blessings when I am down. I know I mustn't dwell on negative incidences which are part of life's trials. I must move on like Lucy, Pong, Swee Lian, Sulastri and Nisha.

Life is too short. All of them have said this to me over the last few months when I got to interact with them at a more personal level.

Ok, what else do I have in my life that give me enthusiasm? MY daughter and her friends!

A walk to the Mother Fall in KKB in 2009 with teenagers!

Me and a group of teenagers in October 2011!

So Ching Ching, keep going, keep eating, keep laughing, keep dreaming, keep having life in your heart, and keep hoping!!!

(And keep dreaming that this blog site will continue with several other women of perseverance series. And don't worry even if others think you are a nut, again! )

By Chong Sheau Ching

Slowly coming out of the shadow

2012-02-17T01:34:00.001-08:00

Justina Law and Lucy Goh, best friends, have been the models for eHomemakers' Salam Wanita project. Lucy was the one who counselled Justina when her bi-polar acted up and was always the helping hand when Justina needed help. The song "Like a bridge over troubled waters" came to my mind every time I saw Justina calling Lucy for help. Lucy was the friend who would never go away.

Lucy working hard at eHomemakers.

For years, we counted on both of them to sell at exhibitions and do the backend admin work the ecobaskets. Amongst the hundreds of women we have helped, only two of them were so dedicated to help other women. They travelled about two hours to eH office and more than 2 hours to go back to Kajang daily. The allowances we could afford to pay were small compared to the hours they put in. Yet they came weekly, so reliable and so honest, because they just wanted to help other women. They even reported Rm1 buyer donation for their bus fares to us.

Lucy still comes to eHomemakers office weekly todo the backend admin work for
the ecobasket project.

After Justina passed away last January, I felt lost for a few months. We could't save her, she was waiting for a gall bladder stone removal for over four months but the appointment was postpone monthly. How could such a well-equipped hospital postponing a surgery every month and let the patient suffered in pains? Was it because she was a poor Lupus patent with no backing?

Lucy also works at the SLE office, helping other Lupus patients.

We had no answers. We still do not have any answers.

Over the years, a few of the Salaam women passed away in hospitals, often with sudden infections and complications. Those of us who were close to them remember the situations. A weight sits on our memory-- black and heavy.

Why? How?

I asked Lucy once, "How do you deal with Lupus friends' death? There are also Salaam Wanita friends who passed away. Do you feel sad or scared? Do you feel angry why they have to go?"

Justina's funeral

She lowered her eyes, "It is part of life. I just have to deal with it and keep going."

She has kept herself very active since she recovered from the Lupus relapse about ten years ago. "God gave me a second chance, so I must make full use of my life to help others," she told us when we taped her first video journal for this project in May 2011. She was still the same quiet person then, the one who was a shadow to the more flamboyant Justina.

Lucy took care of SLE Association affairs with Chee Siew Lian before the new office manager started her work in 2011. She still travels on buses to hospitals to counsel new patients. The motivation to do something for others comes from her heart, deep down inside. Just like Siew Lian, there has been no publicity about her dedication but she has been one of the most important doers for the SLE Association.

At the beginning of this project, Lucy was really afraid of the camera. She froze as soon as we turned on the switch!! After months of getting her to practise speaking in front of the camera, she finally talked without shyness about her ecobasket selling at a French coffee morning! Voila!

                                                She has made peace with Justina's going away.
                                                Time is short," she reminds me when I ask her
                                                               to walk slower.

Here is another new Lucy! She spoke without giggling

about her buzy weekend and she did it in public!

Over the last few months since Morgan arrived, Lucy has really changed!!! She is now more talkative, more outgoing and she laughs a lot more. When we went to Cambodia to film her fulfilling Justina's wishes to see Tonle Sap and Angkor Wat, I was pleasantly surprised by her cheerfulnees, her excitement over small rocks and her curiosity over foreign foods. She even did a jump at Angkor Wat like Morgan!

She was the Justina minus the flamboyant mood!

Last week, Morgan went to film her at the SLE's Chinese New Year party. She spoke in the public and demonstrated hair dying in front of the group. Lucy wasn't the shy Lucy I used to know!!

Lucy speaking in front of a crowd!!!

But, I am so glad to see the change.

I am sure Justina is smiling at her, 'free-oh', like she used to say to us.

By Chong Sheau Ching

The Three-in-One Angel

2012-02-16T02:32:00.000-08:00

Last year was a memorable year.

I prayed and prayed to God to help me to raise resources and funds for this community multi-media project. Not only that high quality HD camera is expensive and unaffordable, I also couldn't find people to use a normal three-year old camcorder to film video journals and edit them as you-tube videos. Every one I approached was asking for high amount of money which I didn't have.

How do I get this TV documentary done with no resources????? God, where are you?

I was really frustrated and scared..... oh oh.... couldn't sleep for many nights......

Then an email changed my life!!!

Help International, a Canadian NPO, announced that it found a Canadian TV journalist named Morgan Reed to volunteer for four months to make the documentary!!

I was scared at first, she had never been to Asia. KL could be too hot for her, and the food too spicy and we might have work style clashes!! The interns assigned to her must also be able to work with her, carrying camera, microphone, tripod and lighting equipment besides making appointments for her. A team must follow herm, would they work out? I said 'yes', and praying silently that everything would be ok.

After she arrived on Nov 24, it seemed like most of my hurdles just melted away with her aura or her ancestors' blessings. Interns came along because she showed them how to use Window Movie Maker to fade in and fade out, to slow scenes and upload into You-tube. Monash University's local campus film lecturer, Fikri, showed up at office to give advice and search for a HD camera. She didn't even have jet lag and straight away made friends with the women featured in the documentary after I brought her to meet them. Other strategic partners came along because of her infectious optimism.

Morgan at KLCC Park on Jan 5, 2012

Her 'can do' attitude brought a breath of fresh air to my own life. I began to be more optimistic about life.... and this project.

When we couldn't loan a HD camera, she went to Singapore on a bus to buy one herself and came back at 3.30 am, smiling and announcing to me, " I have named him Marvin!"

That day was a miracle in my life. I witnessed a cheerful, full of hope young Canadian woman caressing a camera. And then postive things began to unfold within hours from music to logistics!

Then we began to shoot scenes for the documentary. I assigned at least one intern to follow her in December and January, but we were surprised to learn that she is a 'one woman show'.

Morgan with Marvin at Sulastri's pasar in Chow Kit, KL

When we filmed in Crown Plaza Hotel in January 2012, there were 3 interns assigned to help her besides her sweetie, Joshua. She carried Marvin on her shoulder, a tripod on the other shoulder, set it all up and filmed every thing by herself. We were just standing there watching, helplessly.... she used her handphone to contact every one for appointment. Production assistants didn't have to coordinate her at all!! This is exactly the opposite of the advice I was given - you must have a team of three people to help the film director - one to coordinate, one to carry equipment, one to drive/find the scenes for shooting.

Morgan being mobbed by kids at Siem Reap, Cambodia, all wanting her to take pictures for them.

When she was filming Pong at the Twin Towers, I watched her from behind. Filmed everything by herself without any one carrying anything or organizing the subjects for her. So energetic, so strong..... I was in awe of the confidence and dedication.

She is the production team herself!!

What a good role model for my daughter and the girl interns, and for all the eHomemakers members!! A woman can be skilled in traditional male domains such as filming a documentary with a camera. She can do this all by herself, and even better than any man!!!

By Chong Sheau Ching

The rough cut

2012-02-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

Aptly named, because at times, it has been rough, but today, I feel a small sense of accomplishment as I finish a rough draft of the documentary.

Jenny at KLCC Petronas Towers

I have been obsessing over the Portraits of Perseverance project for the last three months. It has been such a fulfilling and challenging experience, getting to know the five women, following them around, filming their lives and then finally going through the footage and trying to do their stories justice in a film format.

Nisha has a great voice!

Nisha, Jenny, Lucy, Sulastri and Ching Ching have such compelling personalities. My job was fairly easy in that sense. They jump off the screen when they recall the events that have shaped their lives. I only hope I have captured that with my interviews and videos.

As I mentioned, it hasn’t been an easy process. I have nicknamed my poor laptop Bruno. I felt it was appropriate to name him since I am working him like a dog. I have loaded hours and hours of footage, along with pictures, video journals, and text into my Vegas Pro software. I then proceeded to spend the last month fiddling around with it like pieces in a puzzle. Every few minutes Bruno says, “I’m tired” and freezes or un-syncs the audio and video and then I have to turn him off and give him a rest.

Lucy in Cambodia, where she spoke at
a sub-regional workshop.

I am also going a bit stir-crazy staying inside all day, (even though C2 has given me a beautiful space in the eHomemakers office to work.) I woke up one day and February was half over! I asked myself, where did January go?

When I arrived in KL back in November I felt like I had oodles of time, but this past six weeks has flown by. As I edge towards the finish line of this momentous journey, I realize this has been so much more than just making a documentary.

Sulastri working on a beautiful quilt.
All of the women contributed.

During my three months in Malaysia I have learned about perseverance, patience, faith and family. It might be hard for C2 and Rhon to believe, (I still have my angry moments), but I am a kinder, more sensitive and patient person now than when I left Canada. The women in the Portraits of Perseverance film have been the best teachers I could ask for. Watching them, and learning from them has changed me, I hope forever.

For the friendships, for the experience and for the adventure, I will be eternally grateful.

Ching Ching stretching before a walk.
She's possibly doing a Morgan immitation...

Stay tuned in the next few weeks for details on the finished product!!!!! I leave March 10^th so that is my deadline and everyone has to watch when it’s done. You will be amazed by the strength and inspiration of these women. I know I was...

By: Morgan Reed

A different side of the same person

2012-01-27T00:22:00.000-08:00

Lucy at Angkor Wat

I grew up watching Lucy come into the eHomemakers office. For the longest time, she always struck me as quiet and sometimes uptight. I never saw Lucy as a 'fun' person. Getting her to say something in front of a crowd or in front of a camera was like trying to get a cow to climb a tree... she just wouldn't do it. It would take Lucy a while to warm up to someone, but when it comes to selling eco-baskets, she's all over the place... which is something I still can't understand.

Her first few video journals were the hardest to film. Because she never knew what to say, we would ask her questions that she would have to answer. Since Lucy was so camera shy, she would break off in the middle of her sentence and complain "Haiyo, I cannot la! I donno what to say la!!" but she would then later ramble her answer on and on... off the camera. Slowly though, things started to change and Lucy started to talk more, and voila! Her video journals are quite enjoyable to watch now.

Early January, Ching Ching was invited to Cambodia for a Fair Trade conference. She took Lucy with her as an official delegate. Morgan and I went along as the conference documentation team.

Our trip to Cambodia was definitely a memorable one. Besides the hundreds of pictures I took, the amount of new foods I ate everyday and the thrill of riding a tuk tuk everywhere we went, I also learnt a lot of new things about Lucy.

Lucy's 'funny' angle picture

Lucy was such a sport in Cambodia, she tried everything that was put in front of her (except the fried crickets which she literally ran away from). When we visited Angkor Wat, she asked me to take pictures of her in "funny" angles, something I never thought Lucy would ask me to do, let alone let me take pictures of her instead of shying away from the camera.

During the first day of the conference all the delegates had to introduce themselves. Everyone was actually told months in advance about this but Ching Ching was smart enough NOT to tell Lucy, because if Lucy found out she had to speak for 2 minutes in a sub-regional conference, she would find all the ways to excuse herself from the task.

So 10 minutes before, Ching Ching broke the news to Lucy in the most casual way. "Lucy ah, later when its Malaysia's turn, you come up with me and just give a short intro about yourself, ok? Very easy one... no need to worry!"

But boy did Lucy worry!

She started composing a script in her head, and at the same time her legs were trembling. But in the moment, Lucy's introduction was perfect and she received a big applause. Even one of the German delegates came up to her during the tea break congratulating her on being the best speaker. Lucy just giggled.

Lucy joining Morgan and I for a candid picture

But still being the same old Lucy, she sold more eco-baskets at the trade fair in 2 hours than the appointed volunteer did in a full day.

On our last night, Lucy went back to the trade fair to buy her souvenirs for people back home. She came back to our hotel with a huge shopping bag. She bought silk sewn butterflies for her SLE friends for about 5USD for 10, and she bought 3 silk purses and gave one to me. She proudly announced, "That day you almost bought it at 11USD. I buy today for 7USD!" Not only is Lucy only good at selling eco-baskets, she's also good at bargains!

When she walked off to her room, everyone who passed by Lucy were greeted with "Look what I bought from the trade fair at this price!"

I chuckled. All this while, I thought that Lucy was a quiet and uptight person! But after this trip to Cambodia, I will see her from a different light; she's fun, (can be very) talkative, and she's one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. Now I know that I should never judge someone until I know them very well.

Lucy doing a jump shot

-Rhonwyn-

Hair, Makeup, and the Power of Simple Routines

2012-01-19T01:38:00.000-08:00

In American culture, makeup and hair have a special place in the female routine. Yet, how important a makeup and hair routine truly is depends on the woman herself. For myself, a two minute brushing of my hair is simply enough, makeup doesn't really have a place in my life. For others, perfect makeup and the perfect hair are essential, it is a tool of power, a shield from the world, or simply a confidence mechanism. Watching Sulastree talk about hair and makeup though gave a whole new dimension to the essentially female tradition of hair and makeup. As I watch the video of Sulastree explaining her hair plucking I notice two things: 1. How calm and matter of fact she is about this frustrating practice. 2. A quote across the screen: "it is a constant battle between my facial hair and me." Sulastree's soothing, matter of face tone and her depiction of the daily routine seem somewhat paradoxical if not completely at odds with each other.

However, this paradox does not only show bravery and zen like acceptance within an extremely difficult situation, but also the constant paradox and bravery involved in being a transgender woman. To be a woman is difficult enough, to completely change from one gender to the other, from my perspective anyway, is somewhat unimaginable. It is truly amazing to see how something as simple as plucking facial hair can attain such different meanings, connotations, and battles. It is not a rare situation to challenge or question something that is so much a part of ourselves. Something as simple as our hair color or the shape of our eyes can send someone into a spiral of insecurity, self-hatred, and despair.

As a young American teen, I struggled very much with insecurities due to my weight and physical appearance. In my mind I imagined myself as a very attractive and beautiful person; however, when I looked in the mirror, reality would strike and my mind's image would remain within my mind. It took many years for me to come to the realization that I had to take control of my situation and act purposefully to turn into the self I knew was the true me. Those years were filled with physical pain from running cross country and mental battles over eating what I want versus eating what I should. Long after I had lost the weight, and become more physically active, I still found myself unhappy with how I looked, pinching at the lose parts of my midsection, pulling at my thighs, hoping to look more like my mind's image of the physically perfect me. Through physical perseverance and the development of a healthier body image, I was able to love myself and find the confident beautiful person within myself.

Dealing with a physical attribute to feel more at peace with one's self can be difficult to a certain degree. However, Sulastri's changes to her physical appearance symbolize much more than attaining a personal goal. Every time, this courageous woman performs her morning routine, it is a symbol of endurance and success for others who struggle with their gender identity. I can only imagine, that for Sulastree, plucking hair is at the very least a nuisance and at most a frustrating reminder of certain limitations. But her can do attitude and her patient eyes give me faith in her. I am certain that she will win the battle with those hairs and that the hair plucking battle is only one of many that she will face and win.

So here is to hair, makeup, and the power of simple routines, may they bring us comfort as well as challenge our notions of what it means to be human.

Recounting as Empowerment

2012-01-19T01:31:00.000-08:00

Nisha recounting her job and work

Siew Lian recounting a day in her normal life

Earlier this week a friend of mine told me about how his Jesuit High School teacher taught him about the power of recounting your day. He told me that three times a day, morning, noon, and night, he was supposed to recount what had happened to him during that succinct amount of time, what he did right, what he did wrong, what could have gone better, etc. etc. He told me this as a bit of advice since I had asked him how he deals with daily pressures and disappointments.

As I watch both Nisha Ayub and Chee Siew Lian explain their daily routines and their thoughts for the day, I am reminded of this practice. What is it about recounting our daily lives or counting our blessings that centers individuals so much? The answer may seem obvious for some, but obvious does not necessarily mean simple. I think that forcing ourselves to sit down and/or stand back and recount our daily lives within our own words, thoughts, and feelings allows us to not only to see what matters the most to ourselves, but also reveal to others our true selves. This is definitely not a simple feat. Today's society is only growing faster, bigger, and more complex making it harder at times to truly recount who we are as individuals.

By viewing Nisha and Siew Lian's videos, I can see who they are apart from their struggles. Lupus may be a part of Siew Lian's life and Nisha may be transsexual, however as I witness both women recount their daily routines, their daily struggles, and their daily work I see two very unique women who have not let their challenges define who they are as human beings. While I may not have Lupus, I can relate to being a victim/addict of multitasking. While I may not be transsexual, I can laugh and relate to Nisha's "fussiness when it comes to cleanliness". Recounting ourselves within the contexts of our daily routines, our likes and dislikes, our family members and loved ones, etc. etc. is not only a form of self-empowerment, it is a form of expression that allows others to see ourselves not only for our strengths and weaknesses or struggles, but also for our innate human qualities.

I believe that this especially important in terms of applying a face to very human struggles such as disease or gender identity bias. Because Siew Lian and Nisha had the courage to express themselves on youtube, they have contributed to a better understanding of individual courage as well as what it takes to be human in the face of extreme obstacles.

Pong's Story: Take What You Feel and Use It

2012-01-19T01:28:00.000-08:00

Pong's story has been very carefully recorded in both the Portraits of Perseverance Blog as well as in several fascinating videos on the ehPerserverance Channel on Youtube. To quickly review, Pong was born and raised in a small village named Ipoh. During her lifetime, Pong endured great difficulty by losing her child, and contracting a viral infection after her still birth. Soon after collapsing at home due to the viral infection, Pong fell into a coma for 2 months. After awakening from the coma, she was able to regain movement and strength in her arms, but her legs received the opposite diagnosis. Pong had her legs amputated but then found that the incision left behind could not to allow her to sit up straight. During this time, Pong hadto rely on dragging herself around the floors of her house on her stomach before receiving a trolly for support. (For Pong's Full Story Please Click Here)

Through all of these difficulties, and more that I have omitted for the sake of brevity, Pong has found a positive light in her life that allows her to persevere. Even with more complications such as leukemia, kidney disease, a heart attack, and more, Pong still beams with the light and charisma that are an essential characteristics of a survivor. Pong's life story is not one to be taken lightly. It is not the type of story to be glorified for the sake of human entertainment or to arouse mass amounts of pity. Her story is really a bastion for others to look upon and draw inspiration from. Even in her handicapped state, Pong serves as the voluntary President of the Hope Era, a society for handicapped citizens in Ipoh, Malaysia. She utilizes her passion and mental strength to produce outcomes that few could do without any of her limitations.

Struggles and obstacles are a natural part of everyone's life, yet Pong has had an unusual share of her own obstacles and struggles. Her life story is not one to induce

pity or despair. Instead, it serves as a stronghold for all individuals with large and small obstacles. I am sure that everyone can see a bit of their own pain and loss within Pong and her story. I feel that it is the reader's responsibility to take the feelings and emotions they receive from her story, whether that be inspiration, charisma, pity, ingenuity, etc. etc., and use those feelings to make a difference whether that difference be in Pong's Life, the reader's life, or people close to the reader. Let us all hope that we can achieve at least one quarter of what Pong can achieve with whatever we are blessed with in our lives.

Choosing Happiness or Sadness

2012-01-19T01:24:00.000-08:00

Viewing Pong in the hospital awaiting treatment stirred within me a mixture of emotions. Pity, awe, inspiration, and even a bit of shame. I too have my own problems that I am dealing with on a daily basis at the moment, but they cannot compare to the obstacles that Pong is overcoming. I look at Pong lying in her hospital bed and I can only wonder how she is able to draw such a meaningful smile upon her face. On top of all of the operations she must endure, she reveals that she has recently lost her mother and her brother had an accident of sorts. For me, it would be just too much to bear.

But then I hear her say: "I have to choose between Happiness and Sadness, and I choose Happiness". How wonderful, I think to myself as I hear this. She is able to just succinctly and efficiently tell herself to choose happiness and to persevere. I am sure it is not as easy as it sounds, and entails much more than just a simple mental choice. But I think it is so admirable that she can put herself within that mindset. It is something that I am striving to do at the moment as I integrate myself more into China.

It is definitely not easy and at times I don't even know if I can do it. As a Masters student in China, I find that I have practically every advantage in the world. I am financially secure, on my way to achieving a respected degree in a respected field, I have my family, friends, and so much more. But at times, some of the smallest negative things, like being faraway from family or even being unable to buy turkey for thanksgiving, can bring me to my knees with despair. Why is it at times that when individuals face the most devastating of situations they can be so full of courage and light, while others with every advantage int he world can find it so hard to even smile? Maybe it is because only at our worst we realize what we do have and how empowering it can be. Or maybe it is because when we are stripped of all our material items and connections that we are able to find our true spirit and strength. For me, it is through the love and support of others that I am able to find my own self. However, Pong is able to go through so much more, relying basically on her own strength and some charity from others. Her will is something that is truly remarkable.

To choose happiness, despite it being the obvious choice (like the choice between good and evil) can really be a challenge, especially when you do not feel strong enough to choose what one truly needs. However, Pong, in her state, not only has that ability, she seems to excel at it. There really aren't enough words to describe the intensity and the miraculousness of Pong's situation and fighting spirit. But it is a thrill to watch, and it is inspiring to know that someone in her state can still be so positive and move on with her life. See part 2 and part 3 of her hospital when you click on the embedded links.

Siew Lian's Couch: Everyone Needs Their Couch Comforts

2012-01-19T01:20:00.000-08:00

From her video: Siew Lian "One Sunday & My Couch", one is able to see Siew Lian in one of her most vulnerable states. This state is something that we all may have trouble showing to others, but it is an important one nonetheless. The state I am referring to is one of being human. It is a state that we very much like to hide from the rest of society, especially during such a time when the world is becoming more interlinked and the pace of development is growing exponentially. But is a state of being that cannot be forgotten and should be nurtured.

Siew Lian is obviously a filial daughter and a hard worker, but it is also refreshing to see this go getter survivor's softer, more human side. For Siew Lian, one of the items in her life that serves as a holy grail of rest and refreshment is her office's couch. As Siew Lian relaxes on her couch, one can almost see the tension leave her.

It is a refreshing site, in my opinion, due to this habit/action being something that everyone does/needs. For myself, it is hard for me to find this "couch comfort". I live faraway from my family in a country that is definitely not my own. Finding those creature comforts for me can be expensive, hard to find, or down right impossible. But it is through Siew Lian's video that I begin to acquire hope, that even in a difficult graduate program in a country so different from my own, that I too can find those comforts to help me along in my personal journey.

Siew Lian's hard work and dedication is obvious even from a computer screen in China. However, only those who have the capacity for sensitivity, openness, and humor are able to cherish the similarities between one's self and another individual who may appear so different and far away.

Hooray for Sulastri!

2012-01-19T01:17:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, I have not had the pleasure of meeting Sulastri Arrifin. I can only hope to travel to Malaysia this summer for that honor. Fortunately, thanks to Portraits of Perseverence and Youtube, I have been able to learn at least a little about how dedicated and diverse Sulastri's work truly is.

As someone who has worked with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender youth in China as an English teacher, it can be a true honor to work with individuals who face so many social obstacles and yet succeed and live life to the fullest in spite of them. It can also be heartbreaking to hear their stories of failure, secrecy, and negativity towards the future.

However, it is really wonderful to see how Sulastri has not only risen from her previous state as a sex worker and is now in touch with and helping others to rise out of the same situation she was once in. In my personal struggle to find a home in Nanjing and rise above my own troubles I find one quote to ring true within me: "Its not important to hold all the good cards in life. But it's important how well you play with the cards you hold". In her mission to play the cards she was dealt the best she could, she has inspired others to do the same. I too hope to be able to play my cards the best way I know how.

A Treat Well Deserved for Someone Deserving

2012-01-19T01:14:00.000-08:00

Everyone has had the desire or need to treat themselves every once in a while. Some even more than others. But how many of us get to enjoy a treat that is equal to the work and pain that we truly endure? It appears that Lucy Goh is now one of those people.

Lucy's "Tiger Year" began with the four deaths of her mother in law, her aunt, her mother, and her best friend who also was a model for Salaam Wanita's eco-basket exhibitions. This not to mention that Lucy suffers from Lupus, a debilitating and crippling disease for any single mother. Lucy has also had a near death experience with her disease that was so detrimental that she had lost memories of her family. After this experience she was basically retaught to live her life and identify herself.

Although this simple and short explanation does very little justice to explain Lucy's trials and successes, I am happy to see Lucy go through something as luxurious as a spa treatment. The spa to me is one of the ultimate symbols of luxury and pampering. It is a place that at once rejuvenates, refreshes, and renews the self both spiritually and mentally. It is also a great treat that few can afford regularly. Lucy's spa treatment is certainly a great thing to witness not only because I am personally jealous, but also because it is nice to see luxury go to a person who is not merely financially capable of purchasing such a treat, but instead to someone who has endured a multitude of life's tribulations. So here is to seeing the deserving truly receiving a deserved treat. See Part 2 and Part 3 of her treatment here.

Exercise for Life

2012-01-19T01:11:00.000-08:00

As a Masters student in Nanjing, China I find that exercise is an essential part of my daily routine. Without that one hour of hardcore stretching, sweating, and just a slight ounce of pain, I feel as though something terribly important is missing from my life. If I go for more than a few days or more without exercise or stretching and I can slowly feel my muscles and mine going slack. If I wait a week or more, then I become a nervous wreck. So one could definitely say that I am an exercise addict.

For Siew Lian, however, exercise is something even more essential. From watching a clip of her physiotherapy, one can see that Siew Lian's physical therapy is the difference between life and deterioration. From her other videos, I have been able to gather Siew Lian enjoys being busy. I can relate to this type of mentality, because when I am not busy I either feel useless or guilty. To avoid those feelings, I fill my free time with work, study, volunteering, and anything else I can think of. One of those things that I use is exercise. Yet in Siew Lian's case, exercise can be a means for her to continue her life's work and to be the busy, active, and proactive Siew Lian that her friends and family know her as.

Watching Siew Lian go through physiotherapy connects me to her in a way that I feel could not happen in any other way. Siew Lian may battle her debilitating disease in more than one way, but she battles her obstacles in the same way that I do! I use exercise to fight off the demons of laziness and depression, and she uses it to fight off the effects of her Lupus. Exercise, no matter in what form can be therapeutic, but it also is something that is essential for the healthy and the sick, the strong and the weak, and the active and the passive. Movement, in any form, not only binds us together but acts as a form of communication. It can communicate strength, love, security, and more.

Watching Siew Lian through her physiotherapy to me communicates a sense of endurance, security, and normality. I believe it takes a lot of courage to share the intimacies of your life on the internet for the whole world to see, and while Siew Lian is not the first or the last, she is certainly one of the few whose message has actual substance and something important to communicate to the world.

Happiness: It Continues to Be the Only Way

2012-01-19T01:06:00.000-08:00

Previously I had written about Pong while she was still in the hospital receiving treatment for her Leukemia. During that same period of time, within a year, she had lost both her mother and her brother. I had also mentioned my own personal struggle to find happiness, despite the fact that I have so much more than Pong. Recently I have seen a video of Pong within her home talking about the issues facing the disabled and how she has been able to persevere through this troubling year. Despite the many troubles she faces, happiness continues to be the main fuel of her life.

In the Chinese zodiac calendar, this coming year will be the year of the Dragon. The Dragon is not only a mythical beast, but a powerful one as well. I am not sure exactly what Pong's zodiac animal is, but her choice to be happy represents the dragon in many ways. Like the dragon, happiness at times can be very elusive and even somewhat mythical or non-existant. However, if you are able to attain the spirit of the dragon, or the true spirit of happiness, your life can be filled with security and can extend of an indefinite period of time. Furthermore, the dragon is not the type of animal to be thwarted by just any type of obstacle, much like Pong is with her unfortunate losses and her physical health. Pong has already proven herself this year as a true woman of character and strength, but with her strength and her choices, the year of the dragon I am sure will be her year.

In my previous post, I had also reflected upon the question of how happiness can be so elusive to those who may have it the easiest. For example, Pong's situation to an outsider is grave to save the least, yet she leads on and expresses herself to Ehomemakers and the youtube community with a smile and a sense of hope that cannot be discouraged by outside forces. Yet, those with all of the opportunity, items, and relationships in the world can be so unhappy. Pong has proven that adversity and suffering, while definitely prohibitive and negative and nature, can also serve to inspire the self and others. Happiness is not something that comes and goes with Pong, she chooses to live her life the way that all of us should no matter what we are given or what we lack in our personal lives.

We are family

2012-01-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

They say there is safety in numbers and it seems that’s a very true statement. This sentiment rings especially clear in times of hardship. When things are tough, it really helps to have someone else around to help pick up the slack, listen to you worry, and pick you up when you fall. Who better to fill this role than family members?

Jenny and her mother making funeral shoes.

I have noticed people who have a strong support system tend to be happier and healthier than those who don’t. They are able to come through difficulties more easily than those who are alone, regardless of how dire the circumstances seem.

Jenny Pong comes from a close knit family. No matter how bad things get, they stick together. She lives with her family in a modest home in the shadows of the limestone hills. Jenny has the support of her brothers, her niece and her father. But her greatest ally was her mother, who recently passed away.

Jenny's Mother

When Jenny was in a coma and lost the use of her arms and legs, her mother stayed by her side in the hospital. She patiently worked with Jenny to help her regain the use of her arms and she bravely fought off those who didn’t believe in her daughter’s chances at survival.

When Jenny’s former father-in-law bought her a coffin, it was her mother who told him to get rid of it and leave the family alone. She was a strong advocate for family and a valuable resource for Jenny.

Now that her mother has passed away, Jenny is taking a leadership role in the home. She teaches her niece about the value of hard work and a positive attitude. These are lessons Jenny learned from her childhood, from her mother. They are lessons that will live on.

A smile that's contagious.

I’ve said it before that Jenny is an inspirational woman. It makes sense that she would be, she’s continuing the tradition.

By: Morgan Reed

The Perfect Hostess

2011-12-22T07:02:00.000-08:00

Being away from home over the holidays is harder than I thought. As Christmas draws close, I find myself feeling a bit homesick, missing the snow, the traditions and family. When I came to Malaysia I didn’t know a soul. It’s been tough to adjust to the weather and the big city but it hasn’t been hard to meet people.

I have been welcomed into so many homes. The kindness of the “strangers” I have met in Malaysia is more than I ever could have imagined. Ching Ching and Rhonwyn make me feel like one of the girls, giving me a perfect home base, and even when I’m away from KL I still always manage to find a safe place to land.

Pong's House in Ipoh

I went to Ipoh for the weekend to visit Pong and I was blown away by her hospitality! I brought along three guests and she prepared a wonderful meal for all of us. We feasted on chicken, rice, pork and vegetables. After we finished eating, she showed us around the house and we visited with the family. If that weren’t enough, the next day she invited us back for some Nasi Lemak. I’ve called Ipoh the land of 1,000 meals and it’s certainly living up to its name.

During my time in Ipoh, we went to visit Pong three days in a row. The meals were delicious and the conversations inspirational, but the best part of the trip was Pong’s smiling face waiting for us at the door each time we arrived.

What a great smile

Getting to know the women in the Portraits of Perseverance project has been such a gift. I’m learning about strength and dedication and life, plus it’s hard to feel lonely when you’re surrounded by new friends.

By: Morgan Reed

Just sit and admire the rain

2011-12-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

We also must persevere.

Coming into this project I knew there would be challenges. Working in a new country presents unique obstacles and I tried to prepare myself mentally. Coming from a place where I can get wherever I want, whenever I want, I have become a bit spoiled. I am always over-scheduling and over-stressing. Upon my arrival here in KL, I knew I needed the lesson in patience.

Sitting on a bus in a jam last night, in the middle of my three hour commute back to the house, it hit me again. There is no point in getting upset. My getting frustrated won’t make these cars around me move any faster. I might as well just sit here and enjoy the view. There is nothing I have to do tonight that is so urgent that it can’t wait.

What a simple, yet freeing realization. It reminds me of a story that Ching Ching tells me sometimes. It's about a western couple who get stuck in a rainstorm in KL. They are so upset over “wasting time waiting” when they could be out seeing tourist attractions. Then their guide points out how beautiful the rain is. Often, we are so busy getting frustrated with what is coming up next, or what has just happened, that we miss the pleasure that can be found in the “right now!”

Learning from Lucy

This lesson has been reinforced every time I see one of the five women from the Portraits of Perseverance project. If I’m following Lucy throughout her busy day of volunteering or errands, or watching Nisha speak on behalf of the transgendered community. Observing the grace and kindness with which Sulastri interacts with people in her work and play, or hearing Pong matter-of-factly explain why she puts a smile on each morning. When I see Ching Ching slaving away in her home office, making calls, writing emails and tirelessly dedicating herself to a cause she believes in, I am reminded that I too have to persevere.

Maybe I have trouble getting used to big city traffic, maybe I feel alone in a new country, maybe it’s frustrating trying to complete a documentary, but I can do it. I’m already learning so much, not just about journalism, but about life. These are lessons that I will keep with me forever, lessons that can only be learned through trials. Tough times can be great opportunities.

By: Morgan Reed

Living in the Light

2011-12-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

Justina was always the one who did the talking. Lucy Goh remembers her friend fondly. Both SLE (Lupus) patients, Lucy and Justina became good friends. Justina was the one who first told Lucy about eHomemakers. The pair took an eco baskets training course 8 years ago and had been dedicated to the project in various ways ever since. So when Justina suddenly passed away earlier this year it came as a shock to Lucy.

Lucy at eHomemakers

Having just arrived in Kuala Lumpur in November, I never had the chance to meet Justina, but I've heard lots about her from Ching Ching and Lucy. It seems Lucy's shy demeanour was in stark contrast to Justina's boisterous personality. At trade fairs and exhibitions they made quite the team. Justina would deal with the customers and Lucy would keep track of the inventory and the money.

Now that Justina is gone, Lucy keeps coming to eHomemakers. With faithful diligence, she comes every week to sort baskets and help out around the office. She'll even man the table at trade shows, if you ask her really nicely. She's committed to continuing in the path that she and her dear friend started walking together.

Lucy with Justina's ashes

But they're not done their journey yet. Justina always wanted to see the world. When she got really sick, Ching Ching and Lucy promised her that once she was well again, they would see the world. Sadly, that wasn't meant to be, but that doesn't mean her dream has to die. With Ching Ching's help, Lucy is going to take Justina where she never had the chance to go. Her ashes will be spread in various beautiful places around the world.

A trip has already been planned for Cambodia in January. It will be a great opportunity, for Lucy, and her dear friend Justina.

By: Morgan Reed

The girl next door

2011-12-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

Even though she presents herself in quite a refined way, Sulastri Ariffin is really appreciates the simple things in life. You wouldn’t know it to meet her. Sulastri dresses very well, often wearing fancy earrings and dressy clothes. Every detail of her appearance is perfect and she speaks with a confident composure. Under it all though, she strives for a normal life.

On her off days, when she’s not busy working with the Pink Triangle Foundation, Sulastri spends time in her neighbourhood. She prefers to go to local food stalls for nasi lemak in the morning, instead of spending her time in expensive restaurants with air con and exotic foods. On a Sunday, Sulastri spends the morning doing some marketing around the neighbourhood, seeing the errands as a chance to connect with people she knows in the area as well as a chance to make new friends.

As part of the Portraits of Perseverance documentary a lot of the women are working towards a goal. They have been helping make video journals chronicling their lives over the past year. Watching the videos I have seen them grow and change. I feel like I’ve gotten to know them. Sulastri comes off as a real character. She is so natural on camera. Her sense of humour resonates with the viewer.

You would think that considering her charisma and potential, Sulastri would be working towards a performance of some kind as her goal at the end of the film, but Sulastri has something much simpler in mind. She wants to go fishing. I guess it makes sense, taking her down home roots into account. What better way to cap off a busy year than with a nice relaxing afternoon by the water? It’s a reminder for me to take time to enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

See more on Sulastri’s work on the website for the PT Foundation: www.ptfmalaysia.org

By: Morgan Reed

The most inspirational woman I’ve ever met

2011-12-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

Nestled in the shadows of the limestone caves, in the picturesque setting of Ipoh, Malaysia, lives a truly amazing human being.

Jenny Pong Seow Chin has a gift. If you ever get the chance to interact with her you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s impossible to miss, clear from the moment you see her or hear her voice.

Pong shares a modest home with seven other family members. They live in a lush, green, wonderland, but Pong says she’s never really noticed. She has always been far too busy working to stop and gush over the trees and mountains.

From the time she was young, Pong worked in a tire factory, earning $2/day. It was labour intensive work, but that’s the way Pong likes it, feeling productive and taking care of herself. Even now, confined to a trolley, Pong feels it’s important to work.

When I went to visit her I asked, “Why hasn’t anyone helped you? Why hasn’t an aid group offered you money to buy a new van or house?” Pong told me she’s been offered donations before, but she graciously tells people she doesn’t need a hand out. Not yet. For now she is still able to work and that is important. She would much rather earn her money than have it handed to her.

Right now she is making funeral shoes, to sell as part of a Chinese tradition. Pong has found a way to keep working, even though she is disabled. She doesn’t waste time feeling sorry for herself or worrying about what happens next. Instead, she “brings her happiness to the front.”

She says God gave her the gift of this day, and to be happy in the moment. How many of us have that ability? Even though, on paper, our lives are much easier with Pong’s, few of us have the spirit and the energy to attack the day that she has. That’s why I think Pong’s true calling is to motivate others. If you put a microphone and a crowd of people in front of that woman, you could change lives.

To learn more about Pong's story and past see previous blogs on the Portraits of Perseverance website, or watch some of her video journals also posted on the site!

By: Morgan Reed

She lights up the room

2011-12-01T01:42:00.000-08:00

Nisha Ayub was meant to be in front of a crowd.

I watched her sing last night at a benefit for World Aids Day, (December 1^st 2011). Nisha was part of a group of performers. Every person was talented but Nisha’s performance was special. She filled the room with her presence. She chose her own rendition of “Colors of the Wind,” from the movie Pocahontas and called it “Colors of the World.” It was creative and fitting for the occasion.

Shaz from the PT foundation wowing the crowd with a colourful performance

I only met Nisha yesterday at the Pink Triangle office where she works, but she and Sulastree were welcoming right away. They filled me in on their schedules and Nisha invited me to hear her sing that very evening. What a treat!

But when I say Nisha was meant to be in front of a crowd, I don’t just mean performing. She has dedicated her life to becoming an advocate for the transgendered community. As part of her job as Programme Manager with the Pink Triangle Foundation, Nisha often speaks at functions. She also organizes events associated with the transgendered community in her spare time. That means she’s a very busy lady!

To Nisha, it’s worth her spare time to spread a message of tolerance and understanding. Because in an environment where everyone seeks to understand his/her neighbours, we are more free to reach our true potential, free of criticism and discrimination. As Pocahontas would say, “How high will the sycamore grow? If you cut it down, then you’ll never know!”

The more time I spend here on the other side of the world, the more I realise how much all of us have in common.

By: Morgan Reed

The last of the original team

2011-11-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

Lucy Goh, hard at work

Twenty some women participated in the first Salaam Wanita basket weaving training session in Kuala Lumpur 8 years ago. Now, Lucy Goh is the only one still working with eHomemakers. It’s actually a good thing, since many have gone on to become self sufficient, but Lucy has joined the eHomemakers team on the administrative side of things. She’s a pleasant addition in the office every Tuesday.

Once a week she makes the long trip from her home to the office to volunteer. She spends the day in the eco-basket inventory room busy with tasks like tagging baskets, cutting tags, or packing up orders for buyers.

There is a lot of work but Lucy doesn’t mind. She sits by herself in the inventory room, working diligently with a smile on her face. She says she enjoys her time at the eHomemakers office. It is peaceful.

Lucy keeps coming back every week even though she is very busy with 3 jobs. She also works twice a week with a company called TLC selling environmentally friendly cleaning products. But perhaps the job that is most near to her heart is working with SLE (Systematic Lupus Erythematosus) patients. A patient herself since the age of 19, Lucy had a terrible relapse in 2001. She nearly died and lost her job as a result. That’s what brought her to eHomemakers in the first place.

Now that she’s feeling better Lucy keeps coming back because of the women who are helped through the Salaam Wanita project. She says they can’t come into the office and have to work from home, so she’s happy to come in and help them sell their products so they can support their families.

By: Morgan Reed

A Helping Heart

2011-11-27T23:43:00.000-08:00

Siew Lian’s whole life is about helping others. I’ve only just met her but this theme is clear to even the casual observer. With a quiet peace, and kind patience, Siew Lian reaches out to everyone in her world.

Although she tries her best to be self sufficient, Siew Lian’s mother needs help getting around. The two go to church together every week. Siew Lian lovingly watches over the tiny woman as she makes her way to and from service and helps her in and out of the car. The women share laughter and conversation in the car. Family is a wonderful thing.

Then there are the lupus patients whom Siew Lian dedicates so much of her time to helping. A patient herself, Siew Lian doesn’t waste time bemoaning her condition but instead uses her experience to help others who are struggling.

She even makes time for a stunned intern from Canada, who’s trying to adjust to a completely foreign environment. On Sunday Siew Lian brought me to church with her and her mother. Although the sanctuary was much bigger than I’m used to and I obviously didn’t know anyone there, as I sang along with the group I felt at home.

Then Siew Lian and her mother took me for not one, but two welcome lunches. I might get very fat during my time here in Malaysia, but I won’t ever feel unwelcome!

Its women like Siew Lian, and the other members of eHomemakers who make it a priority to reach out, that pave the way for other women like me. They give us the leadership and inspiration we need to succeed in this life.

The only downside is that sometimes when we are so focused on helping others, we forget to help ourselves. Self love is sometimes the hardest, but as Whitney Houston once said, "learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all."

Sorry to quote Whitney Houston, but it is a good song!

By: Morgan Reed

I don't understand why........

2011-11-27T07:17:00.000-08:00

I grew up in Ipoh in the sixties and seventies. A beautiful place, full of natural resources. But, it was also full of stories of sorrow. Young fathers burning themselves with kerosene because they couldn't take care of their families. Teenage girls sold to brothel in KL so that their fathers could pay farm debts to loan sharks. That was how Ipoh girls were known to be pretty and fair -- the most beautiful in Malaysia in the sixties according to street assessments.

So when I came to KL in the mid-eighties, taxi drivers and petty traders laughed or winked their eyes when I told them I was from Ipoh. "Oh, Ipoh mali..( come from Ipoh...girl??)

It was a compliment which was too much to bear.

I didn't know why there were so many sad stories as many things were not known by us locals. For example, why aren't some farmers not given land titles when they have lived on the land for generations? Marble slabs have been taken from limestone hills for decades but why are the people staying around the hills so poor?

Pong at KL GH in September for a sugery

In 2011, I finally read that billions were taken out of Ipoh through the limestone hills.

But why are there poor families like Pong's near the limestone hills still?

At the Ipoh General Hospital, so much more could be done to help the long lines of people needing free medical help. People like me in KL have to organize campagnes and appeal to many parties to fundraise to get Pong accessories for her disabled situation because she can't get the assistance she needs.

Why can't a small amount of the billions go to improve medical facilities all over the country?

When we did Pong's video journals in September at the KLGH, the aircondition in the elevator and some floors didn't work for a few days, patients and visitors were sweating. The toilet for visitor was filthy.

I was shocked by the condition.

I don't understand.

Pong needs a specially made hydraulic wheelchair so that she can sit up after lying on her tummy for over 26 tears

By CSC

Eating rendang with the transgender community

2011-11-27T07:15:00.000-08:00

Nigel ( from the project blogging team) couldn't go to the PT Foundation's Hari Raya open house alone. And since no one else was free to go with him, I was (sadly) the last resort. But I was probably the happiest one to be able to attend the open house. I heard so much about PT Foundation from this project, but I just never been there. Also, I have met Pong, Siew Lian and Lucy but I haven't met Nisha and Sulastri. Attending the open house would also be my first experience with the transgender community.

Now was my chance.

Since neither Nigel or I could drive, we had to rely on public transport. In one train, out one train, in one train, out one train. So by the time we reached the PT Foundation building, we were both hot, sweaty messes.

When we entered the open house my eyes widened.

All the transgenders were dressed so beautifully! Their baju kurung's were beautifully designed and their make up was flawless. I only wear make up on rare occasions, and today would have been a good day to do so. A little eyeliner on my eyes would have made a difference... if only I knew where and how to apply it. Without my mom's guidance, I'm useless when it comes to make up. And of all days she had to be in Penang. I smoothed out my plain green baju kurung and tried to fix my sweat drenched hair. I had to look more presentable.

Sulastri greeted us and invited us to eat. I wanted to stay and ramble to her about how I was such a big fan of her video journals. She always spoke with so much confidence and the way she talked made her look very sexy, which is something I think many women find hard to do naturally. But since Sulastri was one of main hosts of the open house, she was very busy so I did not get to tell her.

When I sat down on the mats to tuck into my rendang, I still kept thinking to myself, "If only I had planned my outfit beforehand and Googled how to apply eyeliner, I would't be feeling sorry for myself now..." Despite my hunger, I tried my very best to act as ladylike as I could while eating. But it was difficult for me to do so while eating a piece of rendang, so I gave up and went for the kill. While chewing my first bite I realized all around me were the transgenders who ate their rendang in small bites and they had no traces of rendang sauce on their faces. I gulped down my mouthful and to avoid any further embarrassment on myself, I turned around to face the wall to finish my food.

When we found Nisha, I was bedazzled by how beautiful she was. She donned a black baju kurung and she looked so graceful as she walked. From across the room I could already hear her sweet melodic voice. Her make up was also evenly applied. She knows how to behave more like a woman than me! I took big steps towards Nisha and introduced myself to her while vigorously scratching an annoying itch that suddenly appeared on my lower back.When I noticed what I was doing, I stopped.

After filming Nisha and Sulastri, Nigel and I had to leave. We thanked the two of them for hosting us and made our way down the stairs to start our long journey back home.

As we sat on the train, many thoughts were running through my head. I am born a real girl, and the transgenders aren't, but yet they still manage to show more ladylike etiquette than me! I guess I just take my gender for granted. Growing up a girl, I thought that I didn't need to act anymore girlier since I already was one. But now I realize how far behind I am.

That night as I prepared for a date, I wore my black dress instead of wearing shorts and a blouse like I normally would. To add a little zest, I even put a ribbon in my hair and put on some cherry flavoured lip gloss. I looked in the mirror and nodded. This wasn't a make up occasion, but this was a start to acting more like a lady right?

Now, after 10 years of tolerating growth of white hair begging me to wear ribbons in my hair, my mom is still in shock that I am suddenly wearing them out of the blue.

A special thanks to the transgender community for giving me the drive to act a little more ladylike in my life. My first experience at PT Foundation was certainly a memorable one.

RhonwynH.

October 18

2011-11-27T04:53:00.000-08:00

After two days full of upheavals and critical moments of reflections, I calmed down and got buzy at work. Working hard help me to forget about things that bother me. In the midst of email replying and document editing, it dawned on me that I had forgotten to turn to this project for inspiration during those worst moments.

The five women who know me for years will not see me as 'a failure'! If I were to confide in them about October 16, they would have said,"I've been through much harder times than you. I haven't quit what I am doing, why should you?"

There was Sulastri, jovial and easy going. "My past is gone, I want to be as happy as I can. I don't want to worry about my future. There are so many good things in my life now!"

She sees her blessings rather than the shortcomings. I know about such advice for the longest time. But I forgot to do a mental sommersault to bounce back to normal when I was so depressed over the harsh words about 'failire'.

I must remember what she said.

Nisha is always smiling even when she was tired
and agitated with uncaring people. After that long journey of coming out as a transgender, facing prejudices and getting support from her mother for who she is, nothing else can beat her down any more.

"I am fighting for issues about the transgender. I am willing to do anything for my community."
This says a lot about her commitment.
I too must learn to hang on to my own social mission, and keep going.

     Then there is Lucy, deligently going about
     working and volunteering. The public transport
     she has to take to do all these activities would
      have cowed many women if not of her
      determination to be self-reliant instead of taking
       hand-outs.

     " I want to live every minute of my life with
       meaning, so I want to be buzy. Of course,
        there are bad times, but I ask God to give me
       strength to keep going."

Swee Lian fractured her spine due to too
much hardwork and lack of rest. For over
a month, she was suffering from great physical pains, and still she took care of her sister and
elderly mother. Having taken care of my
Down Syndrome brother and my elderly parents,
I know how exhausting it is especially when you have to do it all by yourself.

And I am not a Lupus patient.

The inner strength she has to cull to
take care of her home even at a time when she herself is at risk, has got to be immesely deep.

Her filial piety to her mother shows the person she is -- caring about others more than herself.
She still went out to buy her mother's favorite foods instead of buying something for herself.

Most of all, she never quits in doing what she has to do, and she has strong faith that God is there for her.

And Pong

I almost cried when I filmed her at KLGH.
Despite leukimia, deaths of beloved family members, urinary tract pains, and financial constraints, she kept smiling and being jovial
during the few days of filming video journal.

She CHOOSES to stay happy instead of
wallowing in sadness over her situation.
She exercises CHOICE!!!!!!!!
I have so much more material assets, formal education and physical freedom than her, but
I haven't been able to CHOOSE happiness
whenever I trip over little bumps.

Now that I have the opportunity to look at myself through the women, I must start to let go of my fear of failure and CHOOSE to not seek approval from every one, but to nurture my own sense of being with the help of people who really care about Me.

At this beautiful spot in FRIM (Forest Research Institute of Malaysia), by the BIG Rock, several critical realizations about myself were revealed to me by myself. A supportive group of friends and the positive ions in the surrounding helped me made baby steps to clear my mind of fears, guilt, and self-imposed sacrifices.

I haven't had time to go there this year.

I should try to give myself the time to reflect, refresh, rejoice, relearn and rejuvenate in the beutiful place and thank God that such a place is accessible to me any time I want.

And I must remember this whenever I feel like a complete failire --

'Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on you what you make with them. A Wall or a Bridge? Remember you are the architect of your life.'

By CSC

October 16

2011-11-26T06:56:00.000-08:00

It has taken me more than a month to clear all the emotional threads in my mind before I write about this critical day- October 16 of the year 2011.

I will never forget it for the rest of my life.

I went to a special session to get help for eHomemakers. I only manage to finish the template for my presentation the night before. There were terms I didn't quite understand in the template but I tried my best and made ten slides.

However, things didn't turn out the way I had imagined it would be -- supportive people giving advice in a friendly way, guiding me to amend what I didn't know. At slide three, one of the persons became agitated with my presentation and he started to give me the strongest verbal 'commentaries' I had ever heard in my 14 years of building eHomemakers.

This was what I heard, "You have failed. eHomemakers is not making any money and you are using your own money sometimes for cash flow. You can't grow a social enterprise without making profit. YOU need to get out of eHomemakers. It is because of you that eHomemakers has failed."

I tried to protest and gave meekly the names of the awards we have won. "That is the past! Who cares? Can't you see you have failed?" The person threw a brochure I gave to him onto the floor. His voice boomed, it was the only thing I could hear.

I tried to defend myself several times but he shouted me down. The others were nice but they too asked me to leave eHomemakers. I told them that as of two years ago, I had already told the team that I will retire from actively running eHomemakers in ten years' time as that was the time period I estimated for it to grow in the financial aspect without sacrificing the social profit --the pro-poor and disadvantaged side of eHomemakers. As of six years' ago, I had already identified a key weakness in eHomemakers -- none of us in the core team had business profit experience so I needed to bring in business minded team members but I haven't had the money to pay high corporate salaries to bring them in. The chicken or the egg sitiation for social enterprises, so common all over the world, but does that mean I have to be shouted down and labelled a 'failure'? My mind silently cried out my protest.

"Can't you see you have failed? What kind of social enterprise it is when you can't afford business salaries?"

The walls in the room started to cumbled in my mind's eyes.

The words 'you are a failure' echoed loudly in my ears.

I crumbled internally.

Other loud voices rom my past were telling me -- the child of primary school years, the teenager of secondary school years -- YOU ARE A FAILURE, you are NO Good, You are STUPID (even though you are a school leader and you are in the A class!) You will never be able to fulfill our expectations!.

The fear that stemmed from the past was so real.

In those moments when the word "failure' was

thrown at me, I felt tears stinging behind my eyes.

Just like the me in the past, I never shed tears.

I couldn't because I wasn't allowed to cry.

I wouldn't because the fear of harsher and more derogatory words paralyze me.

And that fear has been a huge mental block in the way I deal with people -- I always choose the

path of least resistance and let aggressive people walk all over me and take advantage of me.

I am unable to stand up for myself many many times.

That night, I couldn't sleep. My mind churned rapidly with the words, "You have caused eHomemakers to fail." I felt so ashamed of myself, and crumbled further into the night.

At 3pm that night, I woke up, wide eyed. "I am going to quit eHomemakers in the morning. And if no one dares to take over it, I will close it down." In the 14 years I have been helming eHomemakers,this choice has never been an option in my mind. I only knew that I had to keep going untill it can stand on itself without me.

After putting in so much of my time, internal resources, financial resources and sacrificing my own international career for eHomemakers, I have actually caused it to fail, according to the group of people I met with that day. It hurt so bad to think about it.

At 6.30 am on October 17, I got out of bed and told myself, " I am going to tell Mazmin that I will not be going to the conference with her and I will ask her to tell the conference organisers that I will not be speaking at the last panel session."

I felt awful, it was the first time in my life that I quit a speaking agreement for a conference. The panel session was very important breakthough for eHomemakers as I spent at least three years trying to speak about the issue to the targetted audience. "I will incur bad reputation from now on...so be it." Several other engagements in the next few weeks came to my mind, "I have to turn them all down!" I dreaded living.

The new me that day did not have any more inner resources to go on.

At 7.10 am, Mazmin who drove from Terrengganu to KL, came right on time. I told her I had quit eHomemakers. Her eyes pierced me sharply before she said, "I am driving you to the conference, you don't have to do anything. So dress up and we must go now. You can't disappoint me." All the way to the venue, she told me not to quit.

We reached the conference venue and was told to join the CEO breakfast group. As soon as we sat down, the key oprganizer, a big CEO, sat down at our table and said to me, "Yesterday at the conference opening ceremony, the Minister mentioned eHomemakers' e-community as a talent pool for the nation. I am so sorry that all these years, we didn't listen to you when you tell us that women and men can telework from home. Now that broadband is accessible and the cost is lower, it is time we listen to you!"

Mazmin smiled at me.

Courage returned to my being, I spoke confidently at the panel session, knowing that there was one key pillar of support among the audience -- Mazmin.

The moment I stepped inside the gate of my house, my daughter appeared immediately and opened the inner gate for me -- an unusal gesture from the teenager who is more glued to her Facebook during her free time than to pay attention to mommy's arriving home.

"I don't know why, I just know that you are coming home now and my opening the door will make you very happy," the teenager gave me a big peck on my cheek. We hugged tightly. She knew I needed her in those moments. We sat down on the sofa, I told her what happened.

"Mommy, you can't quit eHomemakers, you have to fight on in the way you have planned it!" she said calmly.

That night, I turned on my computer, a Canadian friend skyped me. After listening to my woes, he sent me email reminders to show me I wasn't a failure and that I had tried my best to live my life. Melissa Morgenstein, our online intern for this project, also skyped chat and encouragerd me to go on.

By 12 am, I chose to carry on.
All these critical moments happened within 24 hours. Down and down and back to middle ground to carry on living.

Isn't this part of life?
But, is God having fun with me again?
Or has HE given me an answer to my prayers about where to go from now after standing at the junction of my life in the whole year of 2011?

By CSC

Music and Her Persons

2011-11-25T23:39:00.000-08:00

I used to think that the song 'I will survive' by
Gloria Gaynor, was in its deep essence, about single moms who have to overcome social prejudices.

I first heard this song at Pattaya at one of the famous 'lady boy' shows. I was at Pattaya for a conference and brought my parents along. They heard so much about the lady boy shows in Ipoh that they insisted on going there 'to see.'

The trangender who lip-sang it was so beautiful that I was mesmerized by her face, her long gown, and every one of her gesture on stage, and then later on at the photo session when the audience paid to take photos with the lady boys.

I asked her why she sang the song so impressively. "The song is about my life, I am a lady boy!" The beautiful smile she gave me belied her struggling past in a small village in the North.

A tourist from India who studied transgenders in Asia gave me his insights about the lady boys. "This song really describes our public prejudice against transgenders all over Asia. If we are not so hypocirtical, judging them from cultural and religious views, they will not have to sing this song with such gusto!"

"Our Asian society still can't accept that there is a third gender!"

He told me that Buddhist Thailand is one of the most welcoming places on the earth for transgenders or kathoeys. In the last ten years, the Thais also call them '(Thai: สาวประเภทสอง,"a second kind of woman"). The toilets with the 'male and female' signages, the term of endearment for transgender by the locals, and the various beauty pagents from district level to national level. "The Thai society accepts them as women ( See the Thai audience's reaction in this video). Sadly, your country is not very nice to transgenders, transexuals and cross-dressers," he shook his head and sighed. "You have too many negative dramas on them!"

His research revealed that there are estimated 10,000 to 30,000 transgenders ( or Mak Nyah) in Malaysia. He read Dr Teh of UPM's research in the year 2000. Among 507 respondents, at least half have been were detained by the police and the Islamic authorities for indecent behavior and cross-dressing. 62% had difficulty finding a job and 50% had to go into sex work to support themselves. (Dr Teh recently in 2011 affirmed that thie statistics haven't changed much for 2011).

After that chance encounter, every time I meet a transgender, the man's revelations rang in my ears. "Mak Nyahs have been killed and attacked on the street for no reason in your country!"

The dancing in this video reminds me of the transgenders I have met in musical events. They have beautiful bodies and very beautiful dance moves. All of them are more beautiful physically than most of us women!

     And when they sing "I will survive', I feel like
    my whole being is electrified by
    the strong emotions, or rather 'the silent cries and
    tears' that I can't see.

Although I had known for years that they have been discriminated by the public especially the religious people, the lack of close contact with transgenders did not allow me to nurture a deep sense of empathy with them especially when I was already involved in speaking out on issues related to single moms, disabled women and women with chronic illnesses.

In the last few years, eHomemakers' Salaam Wanita project has involved training some transgenders who wanted to learn computer and teleworking. I laise with Nisha and Sulastri at the office level and I have never asked them about their personal lives. The only mental conclusion I have about them is: they are more well groomed than me. They care a lot about their make-up, hair do and clothes more than me.

Now that I am working on this project, I get to know them at a personal level and I dare to ask the questions in my mind.

Nisha told me recently that there are still men who ask her how much is it to sleep with her as she walks on the street!

When I asked her how she felt about such disturbances, she shrugged her shoulders, "I am used to it. I am not bother about it."

It suddenly dawned on me that They look like women, they behave like women, they think like women, but they can't be as free as us women!

Because some people don't think they are women, the transgenders are seen as low-class sex workers who hook other women's husbands, sinners who are immoral, criminals who should be locked up in jail, religious deviants who should be re-educated in lock-up camps!

So, what kinds of life do they actually lead beyond the women's physical looks? How do they react to prejudices?

Watch Nisha's video journal explaining beauty

Are they really as women as us - the women?
Do they cry like us women or swallow the feelings up and 'go to the cave' to settle their emotions like men? Does talking to someone make them feel better when they have problems? Do they envy us for our menstural problems? Do they have maternal instincts too?

The first time I met Nisha in a private event, a group of transgenders was singing this song to the birthday person. Nisha sang the song with so much emotions that I was transfixed watching her. At that event, I learnt that she just came out of jail after being arrested as a transgender and a sex worker.

I told her about our first chance encounter several years ago. She laughed, "I have sung that song so many times at parties, I can't remember which one that I impressed you with!"

"Do you want to sing more?"

"I love singing, but I am not good at singing," she lowered her head shyly. " I can only sing in groups." ( Watch this video journal where she finally admitted that she loves to sing.)

"How about you sing a song for this documentary project? You never know what will happen!" I suggested.

"No-lah, people are going to laugh..." she smiled coyly.

"Why do you care if they laugh at your singing? You have to be you, right? So sing!" I persisted.

Nisha agrees.

This documentary project is going to be great as I got to do things that I never dreamed I would do for a transgender -- making Nisha's dream come true.

By CSC

A Canadian in Malaysia

2011-11-25T22:03:00.000-08:00

Hello team!

Fresh off of the plane, 2 days into my Malaysian adventure and so far I’ve managed to avoid the jet lag! Although, one thing I haven’t been able to avoid is the heat. I was so excited to leave minus 25 for plus 30, but it’s a bit more of an adjustment than I had anticipated. I find I have to change my clothes at least twice a day. Too much information? Sorry, we are just meeting.

Hi! I don't know how to rotate pictures, sorry.

I’m Morgan Reed. I am a video journalist in Canada with a news organization called CTV. I do reporting and filming and writing for the daily news in my home city of Regina, Saskatchewan. If you’ve never heard of Regina, you’re in the norm. It is quite lovely, but not a very large city.

This is me and some of my co-workers last year on the Christmas float in an annual parade.

Conversely, Kuala Lumpur is a busy place. Having just arrived, I find myself in awe of the lush greenery. Everything is so alive. I also have great tour guides. Ching Ching and Rhonwyn have been so nice to show me around, answering my dozens of questions, and pretending not to be upset when I burn food in their kitchen...

When I first heard about the Portraits of Perseverance project several months ago I was inspired by the women involved. That’s what brought me here. I consider myself a storyteller and Ching Ching and the other women involved with the eHomemakers organization seem to have great stories to tell.

I know it will be a long process but I am anxious to learn more about everyone. I feel like I know some of you already from the blogs and video journals but I’m sure there’s so much more to know. It’s such an amazing thing to always be learning. I consider myself very lucky to have the opportunity to learn about Malaysia and about inspirational women over the next few months.

By: Morgan Reed

About Sulastri Ariffin

2011-11-24T07:20:00.000-08:00

Several years ago, eHomemakers was organizing a Mother's Day contest with this theme -- Mothers who take care of children who aren't biologically theirs. One of the nominations was from Pink Triangle Foundation for a former sex worker who founded a center to take care of other sex workers' children. In order to determine the authenticity of the nomination, I went to Pink Triange to meet the nominator, Sulastri Ariffin.

After listening to her enthused testimony about the nominee, I asked her to take me to see the nominee whose center was just a few blocks away from Pink Triangle. "We are going to pass by some lorongs with different kinds of people, you are ok with this?" she asked, her eyes twinkled.

Sulastri at Pink Triangle 's Drop-in Center
She loves her job!

She seemed to be quite amused that the Executive Director of a women's network was going to walk with her through KL's notorious backstreets at 10 am.

We passed by a woman who was leaning at a wall, wearing a very short skirt . "Hi," Sulastri waved at her and stopped to ask about her business.

"Agak slow sikit ( a bit slow today)," she said, a cigarette dangling at a corner of her mouth. "Nak bayar rumah besok ( I need to pay house rental by tomorrow)!" A flicker of sadness flashed across her eyes, she blinked and stared at the traffic in front of her.

Sulastri comforted her, they then discusseds in a low voice.

When we turned to the next side street, I asked her, "Is she a sex worker?"

Surprised by my question, Sulastri chuckled, "I thought you know? She is postive. I reminded her about using condoms and that she should come in for another check at our clinic."

"I kind of guess, but I wasn't sure. It is only 10 am..... too early for this kind of business ..." I murmured.

Sulastri burst out laughing. "When people need money, any time is business time! Look," she pointed at two women standing near a staircase at the front of a dingy looking kedai kopi, "they are also in business now. See the men drinking kopi at the shop? Someone may just stand up any time and ask the girls to go upstairs!"

My cheeks burnt with embarrassment. I had always thought I was a liberal and that I could spot things like these easily without asking stupid questions. It looked like I had been working from home far too long and my life had been evolving inside a gilded cage!

As we weaved ourselves through the lorongs, Sulastri waved to several women. She was well known here!

"They are my clients, I take care of them under the Sex Workers' Program', she said non-chalantly. "I work at night too, meeting them and helping them with their problems."

Her baju kurung swayed slightly as she walked in a very Malay femenine way -- lengkang lengkok. She was every inch a woman.

Untill then, I had never been so close with a transgender before.

For the next two hours, Sulastri waited patiently for me to interview the nominees and take pictures.
I thanked her for specially coming to help me on her off day. "I will do anything to help sex workers. They are my people." She said.

Weeks later, someone from Pink Triangle told me about Sulastri's trials and tribulations. I was more than surprise-- the lady was so humourous and jovial thoroughout the few hours I spent with her. There was no way I could detect that she had just passed through some very tough time including jail time not long ago for being a transgender and a sex worker. The person reminded me that women like Sulastri have proven to be very resilient. "You know, its not important to hold all the good cards in life. But it's important how well you play with the cards you hold. I have heard so much from you how your members complain about not being able to balance home and work life, not able to find a teleworking job, etc, etc. Women like Sulastri don't complain, they live!! Ever thought of her being a model woman for your eHomemakers' community?"

I was stunned by the suggestion.

And I thought about it for a long time, knowing that there are many women I know who dislike transgenders and they will put up great resistance if Sulastri is featured in our website as a model for the e-community.

When I wrote the application for this project to the Krishen Jit Astro Award committee, I knew Sulastri had to be one of the women because her belief in herself has affirmed to me that I should openly believe in women like her and not be afraid of the repercussions.

"I'm Just being honest to myself.
Honour and celebrate my trueself.
Just believe in myself and my creator.
Enjoy life to the fullest coz life is too short.
I will live and die as a Mak Nyah/Transgender!!!!
Nothing in this world can change me,except God." by Sulastri Ariffin

Blogpost by Dr Pepper Lim about TS

By CSC

He is going

2011-11-24T02:35:00.000-08:00

Gordon from the Crown Plaza Hotel helping my father walked

Besides learning to overcome obstacles like HD camera's availability while developing this project, I also have to watch my 78 year old beloved father deteriorating physically. Several years of depression has led to Parkinson like syndrome, he is now unable to walk properly. And I know why.
My heart cries at every step he takes when he drags his feet. His cerebellum is unable to tell him to lift them up when he walks.
And he used to walk with dignity.

I am sure deep down in his heart, he feels ashamed of himself. A Tai -chi master who founded the 'Balanced Tai Chi' is now unable to walk properly without help? My poor father!
He was running faster than me at the park behind my house when he was 70!

My father who didn't say a word all night sang the birthday song to me in English.
Is he conscious about what he is doing? Ah Ba!!!!!!!

The other day when I came home, he was sitting on the lazy chair staring at the ceiling. His sunkun cheeks hollowed out his face, he looked like a skull with two blank eyes. I called out to him, "Ah Ba, I am home."

Silence. He didn't move his head nor his eyes in reponse to my voice. He was oblivious to the surrounding.

He was gone.

As I walked past him, he murmured to himself, "zi hooi ge jiu mo zhe (just die and there will be no problem)."

Anger and deep sorrow filled me as I walked into my bedroom.
Why? God? Why? He was such a good and kind man who helped many. Why does he have to go in this pathetic way?
The room was wraped in silence.
I took a long cold shower.
I said to the bathroom, "Ah Ba, this project I am doing is for you because you believed in me all my life when few people did."

A Foreign Intern's Contribution/一个老外实习者的贡献

2011-10-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have studied Mandarin Chinese for 5 years. 3 in my home country: the USA, 1 year in China, and 1 year in Chinese Restaurants in the USA as a waitress. And now I am learning Chinese language and how to live my life, as a graduate student in Nanjing, China. My sole link to Malaysia resides in my partner in crime in Beijing, a Malaysian native who is part of a scholarship program that sends students to study Chinese language and culture for 5 years at Beijing Foreign Studies University. Through her I learned that in Malaysia, "Da Bao" is also used to ask for takeout food. But a small advertisement for an internship opportunity on Idealist.org has led me to a truly remarkable organization.

I think that Ehomemakers is remarkable for the obvious reasons: the staff appear to be positive, hardworking, and passionate, the clients'/participants' stories are inspiring, and the mission of the company is more than admirable. But I think what is truly admirable about ehomemakers is how the founder, Chong Sheau Ching, is able to reach out beyond her immediate surroundings to individuals around the world. During my first phone interview with Sheau Ching, I was awed by her stories of interns from the US, the Netherlands, Korea, and more and I thought to myself "Wow, I hope I can make an impact just like they have when I go there."

I've recently had the opportunity (aka time away from reading Chinese academic articles) to watch the story of Pong and to read about Siew Lian and her work with Ehomemakers. Honestly, I pray that I can find and cultivate the strength over 2 years of graduate studies in China that these two seem to exude naturally in their everyday lives. Writing an analysis paper in Chinese is tough and impressive in itself from an American's standpoint, but living life to the fullest on a trolley is a true triumph of human endurance. By learning about these women, I also feel that I am learning more about myself and how to endure tough times and breakthrough life's lofty walls. I am looking forward to reading more about the 5 women of Portraits of Perseverance and sharing my insight and experiences with others throughout the learning process.

Wah, is that Lucy?

2011-08-31T00:52:00.000-07:00

I have known Lucy for over eight years because of the Salaam Wanita project for ecobaskets.

She is unassuming, humble, and never demands anything for herself. She smiled quietly when Justina ( who was supposed to be in this project but she passed away this January) was getting attention from all of us and often, getting things that Lucy was never given because we all felt sorry for Justina who lived alone. Because of this, Justina was the one given the chance to go to different places to speak and to experience things. We had limited resources, so we had to choose between the two of them even though both are models for our Salaam Wanita project.

Lucy is a strong woman with a quiet determination. She was the pillar behind the scene, supporting her best friend, Justina. She quietly smiled and shook her head whenever Justina was over active in public life. One can miss her presence easily.

Justina's passing has made me realized something all these years I have known her -- Lucy hasn't been given any nice opportunity to enjoy herself and to be free of 'serving others'.

So, for my birthday celebration in July, I specially arranged for Lucy and Swee Lian to experience someting new for them -- facial spa, professional make-up and a Middle Eastern buffet at Crown Plaza in the city center.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This video shows Lucy receiving the first step of a facial treatment from Genile Beauty in KL

When I watched this video of Lucy lying still on a bed like a mummy -- listening to soft music, and letting someone touched her face without flinching, allowing someone to pamper her -- I could hear Justina laughing, "Ha ha, whoever heard of Lucy getting a facial spa!!!

This video here shows the next few steps of a facial treatment for Lucy's sensitive skin.

I laughed too when I first watched Lucy in 'actions'-- getting toner application, having someone peeling facial masks off her while she passively laid still!! Lucy is constantly on the move to help, serve others, letting others serve her is unheard of in Lucy's history.

The close-ups of Lucy's face show that she is a beautiful woman. The picture on her Malaysian identification card is that of a fair skin woman. The Lupus drugs she has to take all these years has darkened and thinned her skin. She looks like a Malay lady. But does it matter whether she is dark or fair? She is the same Lucy who gives her time to others selflessly without thinking about money and things for herself. Watching this video reminds me of a saying, 'Search for a beautiful heart, don't search for a beautiful face. Beautiful things are not always good, but good things are always beautiful.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then we went to Crown Plaza for dinner.

Kenny showing us the Middle Eastern dips. I was so excited, these dips were part of my life when I was in Egypt! Babaganoush, tahineh, I used to make them in the kitchen! It was Lucy and Swee Lian's first time tasting such dips and the rice dishes.

By 8.30 pm while we were having desert, Lucy's eyes were gettng red. The mascara on her eye lashes was falling off........ The face powder that was applied for her make-over two hours ago had started to dissolved in her sweat.

"Is it 9 pm yet? Very itchy-lah, can go wash or not?" Lucy pleaded. She kept fluttering her eye lashes like a very shy Chinese girl. It was so funny that I had a good laugh. ( I gave her a 9 pm deadline to keep the professional make-up on just for me otherwise she would have washed it a few minutes after the make-up was finished because she claimed it made her whole body 'itchy'!!)

Before she washed her face off all the make-up, I made her take a picture with her beloved daughter.

This picture is for Justina who couldn't be there.

Justina was very dedicated to the ecobasket project. She paired up with Lucy in exhibitions.
My birthday celebration was also for her as I promised her last year that I would love myself more.
And so I kept my words.

By CSC

One Step at a Time

2011-08-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

A friend gave me this quote once when I complained about obstacles, "Heavy rains remind us of challenges in life. Never ask for a lighter rain. Just pray for a better umbrella - that is the attitude."

This project has a three-month delay as compared to my original schedule because I haven’t been able to garner together all the resources I need. Volunteers who promise to help are often busy, and so scheduled project activities are constantly in this situation --someone who is free waits for someone who is busy, and then when the busy person finally has the time to meet, the other person can't spare any time for the new appointment!

Despite this, I could see monthly progress.

One baby step at a time.

One of the activities of this project is to empower the five women to do video journals on their own. It has not been easy to do this as most people I ask help from mistake the video journals as part of the documentary where we have to script the women exactly what to say and film them, treating them women as passive objects for the documentary instead of active script writers of the documentary.

I want the five women in this project to be empowered with camcorder skills just like the kids in the documentary, 'Born into Brothels - Calcutta's Red Light Kid'

The kids in this project were taught to use cameras

to record their lives through photographs.

For now, Sulastri and Nisha are operating camcorders after some guidance. They only need a few more trials for better camera angles and lights. Both tell their stories fluently. Sulastri's hair plucking video reveals the funny side of being a transgender. As a woman, I have never thought of the 'grey area' that she has to go through. I didn't realize that I have taken for granted the ease of living as a woman in a woman's body.

Siew Lian was trained by an eHomemakers member, YK, on lighting and camera but she didn't have time to do her journals. Then she fell down two weeks ago and she has to rest. Got to wait.

Lucy is so scared of speaking in front of the camcorder that her video journals need a lot more help. I will need to get volunteers to train her to be herself in front of a camera. Got to wait.

Pong had a surgery in May and she is in need of daily dressing in the hospital until November. It will stress her out if we train her to operate camera now. Besides, our presence will invariably bring out the mention of her mother's passing which can be very hard on her. Got to wait.

What do I envision for the documentary's ending from the empowerment angle?

Lucy was scared of handphone when I first met her. After we gave her a donated handpone and trained her to reply messages to us through eHomemakers' DWMA application, she began to see that such electronic gadget is not just for men or for educated women! Then we tried to train her basic keyboarding at the computer but she refused to learn. A couples of years' back, SLE Association managed to 'force' her to learn basic word processing so that she could prepare basic documents for Siew Lian. Since Lucy vowed that she would change her life to help others after she recovered from a bad episode of SLE attack about 8 years ago, SLE's need for computer help due to the lack of staff became a strong motivational factor for Lucy to overcome her fright. Many times, Justina reported to me how she showed Lucy what to do with the computer without 'screaming', "Ah, I am scared!". Justina told her, "Just do it, who cares!" in her nonchalant attitude.

When I first told Lucy that this project will empower her to learn the camcorder, she flatly refused, "No such heavy thing for me! Anything else I will help but not this!" Five months after Justina (who was supposed to be in this project) passed away, I finally took up the courage to ask her again by reminding her that she has to take the place of Justina to tell the world about SLE. Then she relented. I envision the documentary ends with Lucy using a camcorder, her confidence about herself increases and she learns not to be a shadow to others around her. Her overcoming her mental barrier to adopt more advanced technology will surely motivate other women to follow her lead.

As for Pong, at the end of the documentary, I hope someone will be so inspired by her determination that Pong is given a chance to be a motivational speaker, empowering her even further as a model for women of disabilities.

For Siew Lian, I hope she will find time for herself, JUST for HERSELF, and enjoys using the camcorder for artistic expression. She is eloquent in telling her stories, it will be great to see her doing something artistic for herself.

For Nisha, I hope the documentary will give her a chance to be a recognized singer. Sulastri will get a chance to make videos about TS and carry the plight of the TS to the big wide world.

I hope, I hope.

That the 5 women will begin their own citizen's journalism after the project, that other parties will come in to facilitate their story-telling. It is my intention to help SLE Association and PT Foundation raise funds, dispel myths and eliminate discrimination by bringing the public to closer understanding of SLE patients, sex workers, transgender and women with disabilities --- that all these women are just like any other women, they like the things we like, they have the same anger or happiness like we possess, and react the same way as any one of us.

For the month of September and October, our intern, Nigel, will put together a team of other interns to train Lucy and Pong to do their video journals, and help Siew Lian finishes hers. We will do more blogs and hopefully all the video journals will be done before our creative film director, Morgan Reed, arrives at the end of November from Canada. Louise will write the first draft screen scripts and we will plan out the whole documentary story and the actual filming using a TV quality camera (I am still praying for one!). Then we will film the final footage for the documentary in December and Morgan will edit it next January and February.

Voila! My first community-based multimedia project!

By CSC

As Beautiful as the Limestone Hills

2011-08-29T02:14:00.000-07:00

'Ipoh' as seen from the highway ( Photo by A Syaharaddin K.)

I first read about Pong in the newspaper in the year 2000. The Yayasan Sultan Idris Shah built a trolley for her so that she could move around after the amputation which forced her to lay belly-down.

"What a life...on a trolley....and living in a squalid place...!" She is from Ipoh- my hometown!

"I got to do something for her", I said to myself.

Pong cleaning vegetables for cooking

Pong's nephew helping her to the bed

Several years later, when the ecobasket project was initiated in Ipoh, we tried to involve Pong. It was very difficult for her to learn to weave due to her position on the trolley. Even though she could weave some rolls, it was hard for her to bend the rolls into the desired basket shapes. We had to abandon the idea of involving her in the project.

Then we found her a donated computer and some cash for someone to train her to do basic computer keyboarding so that she could reach out to disabled activists like Anthony Thinasayan who is also the founder of Pet Positive. A donor gave cash to connect Pong's house with the internet. Unfortunately,

the internet access was so bad near the limestone area that we gave up on the idea of Pong reaching out to the world through cyberspace. Other donors came along and gave her family furniture and small things like handphones so that they are not alone amongst the limestones hills and that they can get help any time they need.

                                         Pong took this video with one hand on the camcorder
                                          and one hand rolling her trolley on the cement floor.
                                         This takes a lot of physical energy and skills because
                                         her house is crowded with things.
                                         Only a very strong woman is able to do somethng like this!

I will never forget the comment from one of the Datuks who was active in the Yayasan, "Ms Pong is a very strong woman. Other people in similar situation would be so depressed that they would have committed suicide or become sick so that they can give up."

Throughout the last eight years, I have seen her growing to be more and more confident in public speaking. The way she learns English by listening to others is amazing. I know of graduates who have been given so much assistance to learn spoken English, yet they can't utter words fluently like her.

Whenever I meet with Pong, watching her smiling, with her arms perched on the trolley or on a bed in the hospital, I think of the song ""Xiao Chen Gu Zi - The Story of the Small Town". This song serenades fascinating people in quaint towns such as Ipoh ( Although Ipoh is the third largest city in Malaysia, I still see it as a 'town' because of the omnipresent limestone hills.) They are the ones that make these places unforgettable because of their resilience even though they have few resources and are often neglected by the authorities who are supposed to render help to them.

Ipoh is also my hometown -- a beautiful place surrounded by limestone hills, hidden tunnels and caves. The older residents of Ipoh are known to hold high dignity and determination, unfazed by greed, corruption and injustice. Ipoh has been voting for the opposition party for over 50 years.

It has so much mystery amongst the natural beauty, and so many stories untold.

Lang Mountains

It is said that there are several hundred people like Pong's families living near the limestone hills 'illegally'. They were born and bred there, yet, for decades, the families haven't received land titles no matter how hard they try. Their lives swing like the yo-yo, up and down. Promises of land ownership can mean a young son or a daughter not having to go to KL or as far as Singapore to earn a living as low wage laborer, or a restaurant helper. Or a daughter not losing her 'flower' (virginity) or force to marry a loan shark and become a lowly mistress, as part of the payment for gambling or debts to purchase fertilizers.

Never ending miseries.

Limestone hills near Pong's farm

This is especially true for the farming families who toil for decades at the foot of the limestone hills, producing low-cost vegetables and fruits to Ipoh. Over the last twenty years, some of the prime farm land, especially those where the pomelo farmers were, had been taken away from them to build factories. Some of these expensive structures have been abondoned becasue the people who were given everything did not have any determination to carry out what they were given. The sites are like those seen in ghost towns.

Some big corporations also obtained the land to build houses and other commerical sites. The farmers who originally lived there are now living in small rented houses, still, in some surrounding villages. More sad stories abound if anyone care to listen. The farmers don't dare to speak as they have lived under fear for decades. There are many more stories that still can't be told, written or filmed in a documentary.

Perhaps one day, when New Wind sweeps this part of the world.

But before the New Wind arrives, people like Pong must live and tell their stories no matter how tough their lives are.

By CSC

An Afternoon Ride with Siew Lian

2011-08-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

The sun stood upright on a shadowless Friday afternoon as a classic beige car came to a stop at the front gate of the eHomemakers’ office.

The arrival of the said vehicle marks the inception of a ‘tag along adventure’ for me with Siew Lian. I grabbed my bag as I leaped off the couch and dashed towards the front door.

Aunty Ching Ching had ordered me to follow and observe her for half a day as an assignment to get to know her better. I’ve been warned that the journey would be hectic as Siew Lian is known to be never not busy.

The gear stick was shifted into position and the handbrake was pulled down - the engine roared as she places her foot on the gas pedal and off we went!

The events that followed were a bit peculiar; what was supposed to be a short ride to the Malaysian SLE Association Centre prolonged into an out and about road trip as Siew Lian drove around town to meet up various members of the committee and run errands on behalf of them.

It was during those empty chats in the car that I learned more about her.

She told me about the colour of her first car (“It was yellow!”) and her first minor car accident with that beloved car (“I banged into a silly gate! I might laugh about it now but I remember crying for hours.”).

I also found out that she obtained a degree in Mass Communication and this is a rarity considering the fact that it was a new and recent degree introduced only in the 70s. No wonder she is familiar with the workings of the media industry.

When we did arrived at where we were supposed to be, I was slightly surprised to discover that the centre was located in the building of the Spastic Children’s Association of Selangor & Federal Territory.

As we walked in the building, I realized that the corridors were barren and dimly lit. Throw in a nighttime scene and this place would be the perfect setting for a horror flick.

Alas, we arrived at the office, I thought to myself as I caught sight of the front door of the centre.

But there was no time to catch a break for Siew Lian; she rushed in the office and jumped straight to her work.

It was there and then that I can finally understand why Siew Lian is constantly on the go. With the assistance and avid support of Lucy the Volunteer and Abidah the Intern, the centre is a one-woman show starring Siew Lian the Executive Secretary.

Seeing all three of them heavily engrossed in their respective jobs, it was soon before long that my sense of guilt started creeping; I offered them my help. They each politely refused my offer and instead told me help myself to some ice cream in the refrigerator. I found myself being acquainted to two new cups of ice cream in the next hour.

Nevertheless, dessert can only occupy me for so long and I was soon offering my assistance to them again; though this time, it’s out of boredom. I am proud to announce that they finally budged in to my wily charms and entrusted me with the all-important task of inserting pamphlets into envelopes.

Abidah bid farewell to us when she later left at five in the evening. (Nice to meet you too, Abidah!)

It began to pour later in the evening. The heavy rain was soon accompanied by the blitzing pair of lighting and thunder.

Lucy immediately went off in a mad rush to turn off the electrical equipment as she feared that a short circuit might occur. Siew Lian remains undeterred at the computer as she refuses to be interrupted by the weather, but a sudden ‘kaboom’ soon made her change her mind.

Siew Lian and Lucy actually found it weird to be suddenly ‘free’ and ‘not working’, so I took this opportunity to keep them occupied by filming a video journal that I was required to do.

We decided to call it a day at the centre as the clock struck six.

Siew Lian was however not permitting Lucy or I to go home just yet; she has decided to bring us both to dinner with her at her favourite local Indian cuisine restaurant. We stayed there longer than expected as we chatted away and were kept entertained by the funny stories we told each other.

All in all, it has been a really pleasant outing and I had thoroughly enjoyed the pleasure of their company. I do believe that I had gotten to know them better as their layers are being peeled off before my eyes to reveal their true personalities; and with that I’ll say:

Mission accomplished.

Article and photos by Nigel Lim Zhi Xin

Interview with the Lupus Patient

2011-08-21T18:10:00.000-07:00

From the very start of the interview session, Chee Siew Lian has made it very clear to me that she does not want any pity from me or anyone else.

Sitting in front of me is a petite and poised woman in her prime. Her skin is fair and her face is lightly sprinkled with freckles.

Siew Lian is known to her friends and family as a warm and open individual. Tenacious and sometimes stubborn, she has made it her one of her life missions to advocate for the cause of Lupus patients. This crusade is made personal by the fact that she is herself a Lupus sufferer.

I began the interview with a rather simple question that has been asked too often: what exactly is Lupus?

“Lupus, also known as Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE), is essentially an autoimmune disease where the immune system of the body goes into an overdrive and starts to mistakenly attack the healthy body organs or parts,” explained Siew Lian.

“The odd thing about Lupus is that no one knows for sure what really causes it. And unlike most other diseases, Lupus is incurable and once a patient is diagnosed with it, it is for life.”

Uh oh, I thought to myself. Just five minutes into the interview and whatever this Lupus thing is, it is scary enough as it is.

Seeing as I was still confused about the exact definition of what Lupus disease really is, Siew Lian tried to explain it to me in an unorthodox approach.

“Er, I’m sure you know what AIDS?” she asked.

Acquired immune deficiency syndrome? Of course I do. Embarrassingly, it’s only one of the few things I can still remember from my Form 5 Biology education.

“Well, Lupus is the complete opposite of it. When somebody has AIDS, his or her immune system is weak and, therefore, can easily be infected by other minor viruses. The HIV virus that causes AIDS is also transmittable, as you know. Lupus patients, on the other hand, have an overactive immune system and the disease is not transmittable. Does that clear things up?”

Alas, the light bulb above my head lit up.

I daresay that was a brilliant comparison. Ten points to Gryffindor.

Siew Lian also provided me additional facts about the disease.

“Ninety percent of Lupus patients are actually women. Furthermore, doctors tend to initially misdiagnosed Lupus patients because, well, let’s say if your kidneys are failing, it is uncommon for doctors to immediately think, ‘Oh, it might be Lupus.’ They would have to run several tests first and this takes time,” she informed.

There exist several methods of treatment available for Lupus patients to inhibit their immune system from causing further damage, and one of the more effective and less painful ways of doing so is through the oral consumption of steroids.

As a matter of fact, Siew Lian tells me that she is currently on steroids. Looking at her small-boned and thin stature, I’ll have to say she is not quite what I would imagine when the words ‘steroid user’ comes to mind.

Unfortunately, the various treatments to curb Lupus disease often works by lowering the mechanism of the immune system, thus, leaving patients exposed and more susceptible to other forms of illnesses.

As we proceeded with the interview, I then moved on to the question of discrimination: what are the kinds of discrimination faced by Lupus patients?

Siew Lian sighed dismissively upon hearing my question.

“Yes, it is difficult to live with this disease, but us Lupus patients generally do not face any form of discrimination based on our condition. In fact, I have female Lupus patients coming to me to complain about how they are facing ‘reverse discrimination’ from their husbands!” laughed Siew Lian.

She explained to me how certain Lupus patients who are housewives ranted to her about their ‘dilemma’ on having a hard time convincing their husbands to believe that they are indeed to tired or fatigued to complete house chores as a result of Lupus, merely because they look so normal and ‘unsick’.

“Nevertheless, there are indeed some slight forms of discrimination faced by Lupus patients,” she clarified.

At the workplace, employees should be open and completely honest about their illness to their bosses to avoid misunderstanding. On the other hand, employers would need to learn to be more empathetic of workers with Lupus disease.

Siew Lian has seen past cases where Lupus patients have missed their monthly check-up because they weren’t allowed extra time-off from work and this has resulted in the sudden steep deterioration of their health.

She also advices Lupus patients to avoid direct sunlight and load up on the SPF.

At this point during the interview, she spontaneously started offering me free umbrellas and sunscreen lotions. I politely rejected her offer, but shall any of you need sunscreens and umbrellas; you know who to look for.

Living with a Lupus condition is hardly a walk in the park, but Siew Lian usually urges patients to be both brave and patient in dealing with the disease.

“Yes, it’s tough, but it’s like that lah. You’ll just have to learn to deal with it,” she spoke in a nonchalant manner.

It was this gritty and positive attitude of hers that has made Aunty Ching Ching chose her as one of the five women of perseverance.

I picked up my voice recorder and turned it off. The interview was officially over.

We went on to chat about the weather and a thousand other things under the sun. That is, until the all-important question of lunch sprung up.

“Hey, what’s for lunch? Oh! Tell you what; why not Aunty Ching Ching and I go out and get some pizzas for the three of us. Do you prefer chicken or beef?” she asked.

I was nodding my head furiously even before she could finish her sentence.

I may have just met her an hour ago, but I’m liking Siew Lian already.

Interview by Nigel Lim Zhi Xin

Pampering Ourselves

2011-08-20T02:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't celebrated my birthday since my daughter's birth. Between the kid, eHomemakers, other family members and helping others, there is never time for Me. I am lucky if I get eight hour of sleep daily.

"You must pamper yourself with women's stuff, treat yourself once in a while, do something nice for yourself especially for your own birthday even if no one else remembers it," advises a single mom friend who went through a hard time and is now loving every moment of her life. "Remember, no one loves you if you don't love yourself!"

This advice was given at least eight years ago, but my mind wasn't registering it. There was always some other priorities- cleaning the house, going out to pay the bills, calling the plumber or the electrician, cooking special foods for freinds, sending my book to someone because I promised the gift for several months -- and time flew REALLY like an arrow. Zoom, Saturdays turms into Sundays which turned into Fridays so fast so so fast that sometimes at night before I fell asleep, I asked myself, "Why am I so buzy?"

A friend pointed out that the kind of "I don't have time" syndrome is comon among women. We women like to 'sacrifice' ourselves for others especially for family members. We do things for them instead of letting them do things for themselves or we go all out to find things to do for them thinking that they will be happy with the things we give to them instead of letting them be who they are without the things we think will make them happy.

Are we sacrificing ourselves for others or are we just very responsible people who put others before us?
Are women like us 'OK' or 'NOT OK' in today's world?

With this question in my mind, I began to look at the five women in this project in a different light. The light shed on Siew Lian. Is she sacrificing herself too much for SLE Association? See the way she answers her handphone non-stop, sees the way she rushes from one thing to another?

May be she needs to slow down for her health. I decided.

So I managed to get us all a birthdaty gift -- a spa at Gnile Beauty, make-up and hair do and a nice buffet dinner at Crown Plaza Hotel in KL. Siew Lian thanked me, she didn't have any time for such gift and she told me to give the opportunity for other less fortunate women. "The spa will relax you and give you more energy, you don't have to help Lupus patient every day. Give yourself one day for you!" I was trying all ways to convince her including how the Mexican hot stone massage will relax her neck muscles.

"My Lupus is in remission, it doesn't mean I should be treated like a sick person by you! I am fit and active, so why shouldn't I do what I can for Lupus patients?"

I was about to give up on this 'pampering ourselves' idea when Louise called about the good news -- Siew Lian would come with us!! Magic!!!

(Videos of dinner)
The soothing music with rhythmic percussion flooded softly into the masaage room where I was laying. Time danced with the music.

I stood in the desert, a mile from the Grand Pyramid of Giza,looking out at the vast expanse of sandy ocean that touched the horizon at the far end. My senses were alert- smell, touch, sight. Those were some moments that took my breath away.

My breaths were even as I laid relaxed with two hot stones on my neck. Desert in my mind, music in my ears. Someone once said to me, "Life is not about who you have in relationships, it is about how you build them and how much you care till the end."

Is Siew Lian sacrificing herself for others or she is doing as much as she can because she doesn't know if her Lupus may come back to her? And Lucy is doing the same thing because she wants to care as much as she has the time?

By CSC

Embracing Life with All I Am

2011-08-19T03:40:00.000-07:00

Me with my curry laksa for eH team's lunch
because Lucy was in the office

Over the last eight years, I have dealt with Lucy

as a Lupus patient and as one of the most reliable
ecobasket volunteers eH has ever had.
After Justina Low, another Lupus patient who was
also very committed to the ecobasket project
passed awasy in January, we are left with Lucy to
help us with the backend admin of the ecobasket project.
Since Lucy also helps the SLE Association,
she doesn't have enough time! She can only come
on a Tuesday to eH office and we make this special day,
the office lunch day.

Although so, we have never sat down to talk about her life beyond the eH office.

For several weeks now, training Lucy to speak infront
of the camcorder for this project has been quite interesting
as it is my first time training someone I thought I know well to overcome her shyness. First, we tested out some questions and answers without the camcorder and she was fine -- she spoke eloquently without pauses and with natural facial expressions. As soon as I clicked the 'on' button, her speech froze, and she stared at me as if she was in another world.

Luckily by now, the sixth session, Lucy has begun to lighten up. She giggles when I ask questions. Sometimes, she looks at me blankly and then later bursts out laughing. When her daughter arrives at the eH office to pick her up to go back to Kajang, she laughs even more. Never have I seen her so light-hearted before.

Although this year started with a few deaths--- first it was her best SLE friend, Justina Low, then it was her mother-in-law in February, then it was her mother in March, and then it was her aunt in April. Four people she loved dearly passed away, one month at a time, consecutively.

Year of the Tiger is supposed to be harsh
for most of us.
Tragedies, deaths, and unsavory incidences
may happen to us
if our blessings are not enough or weak!

"It is a real Tiger year for me," she concluded.
"But I got to go on."

It has taken her several months to overcome
her grief and to see that the four women she
had been taking care of had gone to another happy world, and that they were not suffering from the
illnesses anymore. They are now happy and free
especially Justina who had bi-polar and SLE,
and Lucy's mother who had been bedridden.

During those horrible months, Lucy continued to
help out as much as she could at the SLE office
and counsel new Lupus patients in hospital. She
took public transportation, two hours from Kajang
to KL/PJ or to Melaka or Seremban hospitals,
and took another two hours to go home.
Such dedication to help others is hard to find in this materialistic world.

"Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE), or lupus for short, is a life-long, life-threatening disease that occurs when the body’s immune system turns against its own healthy tissues for reasons that are still unknown. More than 5 million people worldwide, the majority being female, battle lupus daily. In Malaysia it is estimated that 43 Malaysians in every 1000 people have SLE." (Source: SLE Association)

Getting Help from the Association

Now that she has more free time because she doesn't need to take care of her mother or rush to Justina to rescue her from depression, she has a bit of time to 'relax'. She now makes sure she doesn't 'work' on Thursday -- a day she spends cleaning her house, reading newspaper or doing things she enjoys especially cooking for her children.

"When you cook in the kitchen, you are 'working', it is not relaxing for you!" I reminded her.

"I can't sit at home doing nothing! I am relaxing when I have time to cook good foods for my children," said the mother whose unconditional love for her children never faltered even during her hospitalization days when the Lupus condition was bad.

Her children are doing well. The eldest son is working, the second son is finishing his university and the youngest is now in UTAR. They are all good children and are filial to Lucy and her husband.

Throughout all these years in her battle with SLE and having to take care of a growing family, one thing came very clear to her -- she is blessed with family love. Her husband and children have been very dear to her. Her extended family has become even closer in the last few years when her mother was bed ridden.

"I am very blessed by God, "she told me several times. "We are one big happy family."

I met her big family during her mother's wake in Kajang This is the family that comes together to share out responsibility in a harmonuous manner when there is a crisis. There were her sisters, brothers, their spouses, cousins, nieces and nephews. All were taking different roles to manage the wake and the funeral next day. Although it was warm inside the house with one stand fan blowing the hot tropical afternoon air over the small living room where the coffin laid, the zinc roof family house in a low-cost area in Kajang exuded coolness in the form of harmony.

I also saw where Lucy spent her childhood-- she played in the compound under the sun, chasing the neighborhood children in games before she discovered that she had SLE; she learnt her fluent spoken English from speaking with other children; and she shared one salted egg and some white rice in the kitchen with her six siblings when there wasn't any other foods. She has many fond memories about her parents and her siblings who are all with children of their own now. The one big family still celebrate festivals and birthdays together.

Lucy, with all the volunteer work she does for SLE and ecobasket, still finds time to help her extended family members. Her Lupus condition has not deterred her from going all out for her extended family even during the hardest time of her life. If there is no car to pick her up, she will walk with an umbrella, wearing a long sleeve shirt ( to protect herself from the sun for her Lupus) to her siblings' houses to help in whatever she can. She is reliable, honest and active, not one to shy away from chores or helping others. This is the Lucy every one knows, even among the Lupus patients.

Lucy and her darling daughter

And so God rewards her with
blessed children.

Her daughter has just passed her driving test,
she is now driving mommy to eH or the SLE's
office if her university class time coincides with mommy's work time, so mommy doesn't have
to spend about four hours commuting daily.

Our camcorder lessons have been in the late afternoon of Tuesdays in the office after Lucy
has finished her ecobasket tasks. By five pm,
her daughter comes in, Lucy's eye lights up.They giggle at my comments about Lucy.Her daughter thinks her mommy is funny, and the mommy thinks the daughter is funny as well. Clearly, mommy and daughter know
what each other is thinking without saying anything verbally.

I didn't realize how much Lucy loves her darling daughter untill we were having a sumptous buffet for my birthday, courtesy of the Crown Plaza Hotel in KL. Lucy stood in line to take food for her daughter from the buffet! This is a typical loving gesture Asian mothers show to their children. My daughter threw me a side glance and commented, "Wow, that is a very big mommy love that Lucy shows for her daughter. I wonder when I am getting food serve to me this way? Huh?"

Lucy did her calm Lucy smile from across the table. Her daughter looked at her from the side, she broke into an adoring smile for her mother.

Lucy, you are blessed because you have been giving yourself to others, every minute of your life!

By CSC

No Time for Herself

2011-08-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

It was early June. My heart skipped when I looked at the original production schedule of this project. "Holy cow, we are late!' No video journal had been done and I hadn't been able to raise any funds or complementary resources to carry on. Only this blog was established by eH's Peace Fellows, Maria Skourias. Wow!! I became stressed just thinking about the progress of the project!

And there was my two-year old camcorder -- the only camcorder we had for the video journal -- stuck in Siew Lian's house for almost two months! I thought that she would be the first one to finish her ten video journals as she lives near the eH office and we had trained her to use the camcorder. Besides, she had some film classes in university. Then we would proceed with Nisha and Sulastri, then Lucy, and last, we will train Pong to do her video journals before we film footages of the documentary.

So things didn't go as I planned and I had to solve the problems. So I did my Malaysian cry for help, "Ai-yah, the documentary project is stuck at your side now!!"

"I don't have time ..... SLE hasn't found my replacement yet...I can't leave the patients for your project, I have responsibility, you know!"

What can I say?

Swee Lian still works in the office on a Sunday after she takes her mother to church.

The slim woman with freckles on her face, and the bright and alert eyes behind the spectacles, is one of the most committed persons I have ever met in the local non-profit circle. In 2004, one of her eyes was found to have developed cataract, but she has been postponing the operation because the SLE Association hasn't been able to find a replacement for her Secretary General cum Office Manager's post. It was hard for any one to follow her footsteps as this lady is known to commit herself to the Lupus patients more than 16 hours a day. The Lupus members of SLE Association know that she takes calls from them any time - midnight, early mornings, weekends, public holidays including Chinese New Year. If you need to talk to Siew Lian, she will be there, she will pick up the call as soon as you dial her number. That committed.

And she is a volunteer.

Besides, she is a single woman, a Lupus patient who also takes care of her elderly mom and her adult sister who has a chronic illness. It is very challenging for anyone to single handedly take care of dependants who need total care. I have been in similar situation for more than ten years now - Down Syndrome brother and elderly parents, and a growing daughter. In the last three years, my father's Parkinson condition is making things stressful when I am drained of energy due to the various demands.

Sometimes, I want to give up because I think I can't cope. And when such thoughts come to me, I have to remind myself that the Salaam Wanita women in eHomemakers' eco-basket project, for example, have more barriers to overcome. If they can do it, why can't I?

And when this project is going on, the five women's daunting barriers come into my mind every time I get stressed out at home. I can't give up on this project, I can't give up on eHomemakers, I can't give up anything!!!!

So I keep on waiting for Siew Lian to find time for the project. Snippets of conversations in between her phone calls reveal that she doesn't seem to have time for herself! And so I thought. I popped an ignorant question to her one day when she darted into the office to return the camcorder, "Do you ever have time to relax your body without rushing from one thing to another, one place to another?"

"What do you mean by 'relax'? I am relaxing by doing all these things!" she dashed off, leaving me with a whiff of energy.

I watched her driving away in her classic yellow car.

Swee Lian and her famous yellow car

This interaction pattern between Siew Lian and me, both heads of our respective organizations, has been so typical -- her rushing in for something from SLE to eH, a few rapid exchangtes with me, and me watching her driving her car away in a whiff.

For years, I too had been so rush, so rush, wanting to help others like single moms. It was absolutely draining as I had eH to run, a family of dependants to manage and requests from strangers for help. There was a time I talked fast, ate fast, walked fast and did every task as if there was no tomorrow. I thought I was transforming myself from a broken-hearted woman to one with compassion for other single moms. Little did I knew that I was slowly burning myself down. I came down with coughs and colds, stress on the neck and tension headaches. And still felt lost, somewhere, somehow eventhough I thought I was healing from my heartache.

Several good friends held a mirror in front of me and pointed out that I needed to slow down, "No one will die just because you don't respond to the email or the call the same day. Don't be a perfectionist. If it takes a few weeks to reply a request that is not of life and death matter, so be it. Take care of yourself and your family first before you take care of others! You are not a monk!"

When I didn't take heed, a single mother friend who was my best advisor, threw me a question that sank me down onto the couch to think -- Who will take care of your sweet darling daughter that you love so much if you burn yourself out and go to another world?

Voila, the mere mention of the darling of mine would get me to do anything for her!
Eventually, I learnt to say 'no' nicely and prioritize my time without feeling guilty. Surprisingly, I became more calm and more grounded as I watched others getting help from networks I opened for them instead of reacting to others' requests all by myself.

"May be I could help Siew Lian to see that she too needs time for herself?" The monk in me thought I could share my learnings with her. "May be giving her something for pamparing will help?"

I looked around to see what kinds of things women pamper themselves with. There are spas, facials, restaurants with good foods, retreats, and consumer goods. Ha! Let me try to get some sponsorshiop for this project to pamper the ladies who hardly have had such opportunity! This project is not just about citizen's journalism but also about helping the five of them love themselves!

I was so excited that I called Siew Lian immediately when I got the Genile Beauty sponsorship. She turned down the invitation flatly, "I don't need it, I don't have the time, I am not an expensive woman."

"You can get a hot stone massage on the neck, it will help you to relax!"

"I am already relax, why do I need someone to put stones on me? Waste my time!" She glared at me.

I tried several more times to convince her but she didn't want to budge. She told me to give the Rm2000 voucher to someone else more deserving.

"I want to do something about self-love for all of us in this project, can you cooperate?" I was beginning to be very frustrated.

"I am cooperating, I just don't need a facial or a massage!" she retorted.

Swee Lian with a Yves Rocher hamper

I sighed...... like a deflated balloon....I felt as if I had to 'argue' with her to do something nice for her and I always lose the argument........

Then came my birthday. Louise, with her warm Kadazan voice and tactfullness, managed to get both Siew Lian and Lucy to go to the spa with us to celebrate my birthday. "Just one time only-ah? Just for you because you are so stubborn!" Swee Lian emphasized.

And she was her usual self at the end of the spa, giving us her Siew Lian humour about her first spa experience. She even willingly subjected herself for make-up and hair do for a photo-op of me cutting my birthday cake.

Just one more time, right, Swee Lian? I asked her silently in my mind as I gave Louise a conspiratorial wink. Hee hee.....

By CSC

Lucy's Selfless Dedication

2011-08-17T03:50:00.000-07:00

eHomemakers' Salaam Wanita Project was initiated in 2002 to train 200 single moms in computer under the DAG grant we received. NGOs then started to send us low-income women with few employable skills and are burdened with disabilities or illnesses. The news that a group of mothers were able to earn income from home through various work schemes reached them, so they thought that we had the magic to find fulltime jobs for the women. When truth was given to them -- that we couldn't help because we had no funds to train or match make such women with employers as the working @ home jobs were hard to find.

"Can you think of something else for them? I am sure you will find something!" asked one of the volunteers for SLE Association. I didn't know her name but she was very enthusiastic and insistent that I tried to 'think'. I remember her smiling as she explained SLE to me, "We can't take sun, dust and stress so working at home at our own pace will be good for us." She herself was a Lupus patient but her condition was in remission. I had never met someone who explained her seem-to-be-pretty-serious-illness to me with such enthusiasm and warm smiles. I promised her that I would think about it. Years later, I learnt the lady's name - Chee Siew Lian.

Two years later, we came out with the ecobasket project to train women to use donated newspaper to make baskets for sale. A good Samaritan donated money to train 120 women, 60 in Ipoh (mostly women with disabled children) and 60 in KL (mostly culled from SLE, disabled organizations and Pink Triangle.) We put two thirds of the donated funds into the Ipoh training as we felt that the women there were less exposed and needed more help. The KL women were given only six trainings with a single mom who knew how to do the basic weaving, they had to figure out how best to weave the baskets for the rest of the training sessions.

The KL trainings were held under the awnings of a condo in Bangsar as we had no money to rent proper rooms with proper tables. The women took buses to come every Sunday afternoon, bringing their own snacks and drinks. The enthusiasm was high and the women motivated. No one was earning any income but they came for the trainings. The then volunteer coordinator was eH's finance person, Susan Greenall, who kept us informed about the women. One of them stood out among the trainees, her name was Lucy Goh. She was always the first one who volunteered to carry things for Susan and cleaned up after the training when others shunned such chores. Unlike some women who demanded small things from Susan for volunteering for the group. Lucy was ever ready to help even without any reward.

And there was another lady, Justina, who talked the most during the training and was the funniest among the women. She often assisted Lucy to prepare and clean up the trainings.

After twelve or more trainings, we encouraged the women to sell. For over a year, we merely facilitated the selling by sending email with our women's phones or addresses (some didn't have phones) to companies. We realized that it was a big problem for the women to sell as most of them were bound to the homes, and they lack marketing skills. When the first corporate order arrived from Nestle to one of the single moms, she turned it down because she didn't have money to pay a taxi to deliver and she didn't know how to cost in delivery costs! eHomemakers was brought in to help her. After several rounds of negotiations, the order was given to another single mom, still it didn't work.

We then realized that none of the women could take on the order alone as they took too long to make the quantity Nestle wanted, so we made the order into a group project and started to engage the women in a social business arrangement. Lucy came in to volunteer to pack without asking for any money for herself. She took two hours of bus ride to come to the eH office and then went home through another two hours of public transportation. We were really impressed by her selfless act to help someone whom she met only several times.

That was eight years ago. Since then, Lucy has been volunteering herself to the ecobasket project, rain or shine. We trained several women to do the backend work and to sell at exhibitions. All of them dropped out because it was too 'difficult' to travel. Only Lucy and Justina stayed with us for the backend work. Lucy likes to do the inventory and accounting while Justina loved the tagging and selling part. They formed a strong exhibition team for more than four years before Justina passed away this January.

Lucy and her daughter in ecobasket's inventory room
(Source: Advocacynet.org)

Lucy still comes to the eH office but only once a week because she has to volunteer for the SLE Association for the other three days, with one day rest in between, and the weekends for family. There are times, we feel like we are 'fighting' for Lucy with SLE Association as we haven't been able to find a replacement for Justina who used to come three days a week. One needs dedication to do the backend admin work for the ecobasket project. The two of them's dedication has been time-tested especially when both have to travel by public transportation for about two hours. Even a healthy person will complain about the four hours of daily travel but not these two.

Lucy at SLE's fundraising event -Walkapayung, May 2011

Lucy also counsels new Lupus patients in hospitals, often travelling to Seremban and Melacca on public transportation. Sometimes, she works till late night with Siew Lian when SLE Association has events like the May Walkapayung. It was stressful when there were not enough hands to help and tons of coordinatuion to do. Asked why she was so committed to help other women, she explained that she is now living a second life after overcoming a near death experience several years ago. Since God has given her another chance to live, she wants to help others to live too.

"Every one has a chance to do something for someone else, so I am taking all the chances that come to me to do volunteering."

The eco-basket project is Lucy and Justina's pride

Lucy's family was financially struggling when she first came to the Salaam Wanita project. She hand't been working for a few years then, having been fired fom her last job due to her Lupus condition. With three growing children and a mother-in-law to feed, her husband's technician salary was very stretched. Still, she volunteered, and she was grateful for eveything we could find for her, foods, clothes, even an old TV.

Over the years, her family finance has gotten better. Her eldest son is working and her youngest has finished Form Five. Family members came in to help out with educational expenses now that the kids have proven dedicated like their mother.

Home life is getting easier for Lucy. I am so so so glad for her.

By CSC

Time Out! It's Time for Me

2011-08-15T02:48:00.000-07:00

I read from the posts on this blog and heard from CSC how both Lucy and Siew Lian are selfless ladies who put every thing and every one else first. I say there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think people like them are becoming a rare breed. And to do something for them (especially something unexpected) would be really cool.

So when I heard that CSC had managed to get Gnile Sdn Bhd to sponsor spa packages for them, I thought there couldn't be anything nicer to give as a gift to Lucy and Siew Lian.

I met both Lucy and Siew Lian on the same day; the day of the spa; Siew Lian rode with me in my car to the salon and we met Lucy there. She had taken a bus to the place.

When I met them, I had the distinct impression of them being unsure about spending an entire two hours in self-indulgence. First Siew Lian was late as she was preparing breakfast for her elderly mother and I had to wait quite a while outside her gate.

And when we met up with Lucy, she seemed nervous and edgy. She told me she had not been too keen to come but had decided to give it a shot anyway. She hadn't had a facial since her wedding almost a quarter century ago, and wasn't sure what to expect.

On the drive to the salon, Siew Lian was worried about the products as SLE patients have hyper-sensitive skin. Fortunately Mei Ling, the manager at the salon was very good at putting her worries to rest. An allergy test was conducted and since nothing untoward happened to either of their skins, we went ahead with the treatments.

2 hours later....

Ah, you should have seen both the ladies after the facial treatment. Visibly calmer. Not so much nervous laughter or chatter.

Lucy said she enjoyed the gentle yet very expert massage given by her beautician. Siew Lian even joked that if there was a way to go, this was it.

While Lucy was quite open to complete her spa package, Siew Lian was a bit hard-pressed to agree. Well, it will be good to see both ladies complete their package and see how each comes out of it.

Siew Lian fixes her hair after the facial.

The day's package also included a make-up and hair styling session for a dinner later the same day.

Mei Ling applies make up on Lucy....

While her assistant applies make-up on Siew Lian...

And....

....ta dah! Lucy all made up, just waiting for the perfect hair to complete the look.

Unfortunately...

I don't have the 'after' pictures.

However....

there are video footages that will be uploaded on youtube. The link will be put up here later.

Our thanks to Gnile Beauty Sdn Bhd for making this day possible. More about Gnile Sdn Bhd here. (a link will be added soon)

by louise

Too Committed To Let Go?

2011-08-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

"OK, OK, no problem, call me again if you need help!" Siew Lian answered her handphone again.

I sighed.

Siew Lian at her desk, as busy as a bee.

We were having pizza in eHomemakers' office after Nigel interviewed Siew Lian for this project. Nigel and I had already finished our share of the pizza while Siew Lian still had two pieces left because she had been answering her handphone non-stop.

"These calls are not urgent, why can't you just give yourself half an hour to have a nice lunch with us?" I reprimanded her. Most of my past experiences with her occured in this manner - me waiting for her to finish talking on the handphone in an office!

I wish she would just put the handphone into her handbag for fifteen minutes!

"Every call is urgent. You never know which lupus patient is in need of help. I can't be selfish. I am supposed to help them, not to help myself," she cocked her eyebrows as she defended herself, she looked a bit hurt.

"You are not helping others when you don't have peace of mind! I am sitting here listening to your calls, none of them is urgent. You could call them back after your lunch instead of you eating one bite and answering ten minutes of call!" I barked, feeling frustrated as my concern for her grew over the past few months since we started this project. Besides, I felt that I was having lunch in a pool of scattered energy when I was striving so hard to stay centered and calm. "You haven't finished your lunch and now you got to rush off for the next appointment. I know you want to help other lupus patients, but don't you think it is unfair to you even though your lupus condition is in remission? You need to rest too!"

The Chinese character 'Shio' -filial
piety - aptly describes Siew Lian.
How many Asian women in this
busy materialistic times are willing
to take care of the daily needs of an
elderly and also her 'not-so-well'
sister? It is also 'shio' to take the
worry of an elderly parent away by
taking care of one's siblings.

"We are all different, you can't force me to be like you -- eat the way you eat, talk the way you talk and behave the way you do!! I like to serve the lupus patients because I feel good helping them," she protested. Then she listed a few incidences whereby her answering the handphone in those particular instances had saved lives. There was the midnight call from a depressed lupus patient just when she was about to fall asleep, and the call from a critically ill patient while she was driving and she managed to get the patient to help herself before the ambulance came, and many more.

"Siew Lian, you are taking care of your elderly mother and your sister! You are not supposed to stress yourself over others' welfare!" I wanted to tell her this for the longest time but I didn't dare to do so. Somehow, this project is emboldening me to say things to others which I have kept to myself for years or for as long as I have known the person.

"Who say I am stress?" The ever strong Swee Lian retorted back. Her eyes glared at me, she snarled. "I am not doing anythng wrong! I am still taking care of them, am I not? I just like doing what I do! When I am able to help others, I feel so good! So you mustn't judge others from your standard."

I felt like a deflated balloon.

There I was, thinking that I was trying to help her as a friend by pointing things out to her, but there she was, as strong as a big banyan tree even though she can only see with one eye because she never has time to go for cataract operation of the other eye.

Chinese character for 'sacrifice'. Many Chinese women born before the eighties grew up with the notion that they must give all of themselves to the families. I can only think of these two words whenever I see Siew Lian rushing in and out.

Source: http://www.orientaloutpost.com/

Staying calm, I tried to reason with her, "Years ago, I was like you. Answering calls from single moms any time and at odd hours. I wanted to help them so much that I took on their problems daily. I couldn't see the forest for the trees and eventually I stressed myself and got sick often. I am just trying to point out to you that as much as we want to help others, we must take care of ourselves too. Giving some space between ourselves and those we help is necessary. We can't help others 24 hours and every minute of our life !!" I lectured her, giving her examples of what happened to me when I over-committed myself to help single moms.

"That was you! I am different. I haven't gotten sick and cough like you did! We are two different persons. Have you ever thought that I may be healthier than you, that I can multitask more than you?" she challenged again. Her eyeballs dilated, her being pierced me sharply.

I clasped my hand over my face and took a deep breath. Inhale, exhale. Elbow perched on the table, I rested my right cheek on my right palm so that I can study her face across the table. She looked at me as she munched her pizza with a blank facial expression. She shook her head playfully. Ha! Her eyes were laughing!

Who said she was stressed? She enjoyed 'torturing' me !

"I gotta go," she didn't finish her last piece of pizza before rushing off to the next appointment. "Someone is going to see me at 4 o'clock, and then I got to go to PJ for a meeting......." her voice tailed off as she got into her old car.

I sighed as I watched her driving her 'very reliable' car steadily on the road. It stopped obediently at the junction before turning to the right to enter the busy main road. No one would know that the driver could see with only one eye. She was right, I shouldn't try to change her.

She is not stress, she enjoys being wanted!

By CSC

Supreme Confidence...

2011-08-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

... is what Sulastri or better known as Kak Su exudes.

It's in the way she walks, the way she carries her shoulders high, and when she greets you, she is so unassuming and her voice is so welcoming and warm. One can't help but be immediately taken in.

It also helped that she has a charming lilt to her voice. I wondered aloud if she was from Sabah (just like me). Turns out she's Sarawakian. Cool!

As we chatted, I discovered that she hadn't always been this confident about herself. She spoke about dark moments when she wondered if it were true, what everyone said. Was there something wrong with her? Why was her physical appearance so different from what she felt was her true self. Everyone told her she was confused. But she knew she wasn't. She knew exactly who she was.

But who could affirm what she knows, what she feels? Who could give her answers? She started reading articles about transgenders and scoured the internet. Then she came across information about a research conducted in Europe explaining the phenomenon of transgenders and this gave her the boost she needed.

I looked up the internet to find out for myself what kind of research has been done and I found a wealth of information supporting what Kak Su and many others like her already know in their heart of hearts.

Among these are;

A paper written in 2004. The content of the paper, entitled Male-to-Female Transexuals Have Female Neuron Numbers in a Limbic Nucleus, can be found on the Journal of Clinical Endrocrinology and Metabolism website.

This is the abstract from the paper;

"Transsexuals experience themselves as being of the opposite sex, despite having the biological characteristics of one sex. A crucial question resulting from a previous brain study in male-to-female transsexuals was whether the reported difference according to gender identity in the central part of the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc) was based on a neuronal difference in the BSTc itself or just a reflection of a difference in vasoactive intestinal polypeptide innervation from the amygdala, which was used as a marker. Therefore, we determined in 42 subjects the number of somatostatin-expressing neurons in the BSTc in relation to sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, and past or present hormonal status. Regardless of sexual orientation, men had almost twice as many somatostatin neurons as women (P < 0.006). The number of neurons in the BSTc of male-to-female transsexuals was similar to that of the females (P = 0.83). In contrast, the neuron number of a female-to-male transsexual was found to be in the male range. Hormone treatment or sex hormone level variations in adulthood did not seem to have influenced BSTc neuron numbers. The present findings of somatostatin neuronal sex differences in the BSTc and its sex reversal in the transsexual brain clearly support the paradigm that in transsexuals sexual differentiation of the brain and genitals may go into opposite directions and point to a neurobiological basis of gender identity disorder."

In other words, it essentially means that gender feelings are not "psychological", rather are more and more being proven to be "neurological" in nature. (Basic TG/TS/IS information)

And this is supported by research done even more recently by researchers in UCLA who used MRIs to "...determine that transsexualism is associated with distinct cerebral pattern, which supports the assumption that brain anatomy plays a role in gender identity." (Luders, E., Sanchez, F. J., Toga, A. W., Narr, K. L., Hamilton, L. S., & Vilain, E. (2009). Regional gray matter variation in male-to-female transsexualism. Neuroimage, 46, 904-907.)

I also found very useful the homepage for the Gender Identity Research and Education Society.

So there you go.

Since having her intuition validated by hard cold scientific facts, and not some undefinable feeling, Kak Su no longer has any doubts about herself or rather let anyone tell her who she should or should not be. She has always known her true self. Science took long enough, but it is firmly and irrevocably confirming her status.

More importantly, what needs to be done now is to educate the general public and advocate for legal rights for the transgender community.

by louise

Do Things REALLY Happen for Reasons?

2011-08-01T05:05:00.000-07:00

It was a Saturday, I ought to be relaxed and refreshing myself with recreational activities, instead I spent several hours waiting for two people who made separate appointments with me about supporting this project. No phone revert back as to their no show.

I sighed and assured myself that all was normal, "Who says fundraising for non-profit is an easy thing?"

As the hours went, I began to feel tired. Lethargic. Passive. Small. Timid. Want to feel light-hearted but I can't.

Then, my daughter burst into my work room, arms akimbo, she reprimanded me, "X and Y are here to see you. They sent you an SMS this morning but you NEVER turned on your handphone! Huh?"

I rushed out to meet the smiling couple who were dressed in the usual shorts and t-shirts, just like what they have done for the past six years. Simple and unassuming.

"What a Wonderful World" by Louise Armstrong.
I like to listen to this song whenever I feel like
I am standing in a dark tunnel with no way out.

"We brought you a camcorder for your project!" Y handed me a box, smiling brightly.

"How much does it cost? We haven't raised the funds yet!" My heart pounded as I popped the project coordinator's million dollar question.

"It is a gift from us to your project. Now you can do your video journals and upload them in YouTube, and also film some footage for the documentary."

What? Hah? Really? My entire being jumped out of my tired self like a rabbit startled out of a ground hole. WAHHHHHHH!!!

I have been writing proposals to companies to sponsor high definition cameras for the videos and the documentary, but no one has reverted with affirmation yet. Most of them explained that the project's women profiles, especially the transgenders', conflict with their corporate branding.

It was heart-stopping to stand in front of two people who was bearing the gift we have wanted for several months without asking for tax free receipt, and any rewards back to themselves, just like what they have done for some women in the "Network of Angels".

X and Y live and work outstation. They rise early to leave for work and come back late. They are a hard-working couple who earn fixed salaries, eat out in stalls and lead a simple lifestyle. Once every few months, they travel to KL, bringing equipments or gadgets, checks and cash for some women and even foods for the eHomemakers admin staff to thank them for helping others. They once donated a phone which can play music to Justina who was in depressive mode due to her bi-polar syndrome. The phone saved Justina from many bouts of depressions. They never ask for anything from us, but they only want one condition to be met, "Keep us as 'anonymous'. We just want to help from behind the scene."

Justina Low received donated handphones
from X and Y over the years.

The phones opened up a whole new world to her.

After they left, I sat down to sip my favorite mango tea, a big sigh escaped my being as I felt a gentle, soothing atmosphere settled around me. My mind began to dance with the scenes I would shoot with the camera....The phone rang. It was from one of our volunteers who has been introducing business people to eHomemakers. "They are all philanthropists," he said.

I listened. It was the same kind of business proposal which I turned down --do some business activity for or on behalf of a business man, the business man will make money and then donate some money back to eHomemakers' operations. So, I turned it down as I didn't agree with the basis of the operations.

He became angry and striked, "You have this single mom inferiority complex, you always think men are out to sleep with you, cheat you and take advantage of you!"

I took in a lungful of air and kept it circulating in my being for a full minute before I expelled it out of my body. A small voice told me, "Do not react!"

I have heard this statement several times from him when I turned down his friends' business proposals. It was also the very same verbal lashing I received just about three months ago when I turned down a male CEO's proposal to trick our members into his internet marketing scheme which was really a multi-level marketing scheme. eHomemakers does not endorse such schemes nor sell our databases.

"We stand by our principles", I told him firmly in a calm, even voice.

He in a loud voice, "Principles ? This is money and you don't want? Cash, hard cash for you! You single moms hate men! This is why you can't work with men! You have problems! Go sort out your men-hating emotions before you go out of your house!"

The Chinese character for 'Patience'. This value is very much a part of my father's teachings,
it is embedded in me deeply since childhood. As an adult in finding my way in this dog eat dog world,
I often wonder if he has taught me the right value to survive as a woman.

Years ago, I reacted to such lashings like a hurt dog, retreating into myself to lick the wounds for weeks and I never striked back verbally at the attackers. Instead, I poured my woes onto my confidantes in eHomemakers who in turn, promised to move on to battle the prejudice on single moms by doing BETTER and BETTER even in the face of many hurdles.

And I took on a personal journey to dispell the prejudice against single moms by occasionally writing about their strengths and their plights in my weekly column in a newspaper. For many years, I received very bad bashing from some male readers about single moms. Most threathened to get the editor to cut my column off for writing about 'women with no value to society'. One even called me 'an old bag whom no one wants, you should go hang yourself'. Email like these told me that I had striked a very deep and dark emotion which stemmed from a very deep-seated prejudice --- something that will take more than one generations to change.

The Chinese character for 'Fire'.
It can mean determination to do well.

It is only in the recent years that I am able to deal with such verbal hurlings in a more positive way. I stew over the strong male putdowns in my mind for an hour or so, and then I move on to do other things, burying it in the deepest part of my mind.

But, every time I do so, a log has just been added to a slow burning fire.

And slowly, I have learnt to look at such verbal lashings as a game of the mind. Someone once told me, "Put downs are part of the techniques of negotiation. If you feel powerful, you whack your oponent untill he has no self value and he gives in to you. This is especially so when you are a woman of low status in your opponent's perception. So when you are faced with such opponent, do not be cowed by his words. Say somethng nasty back to him!"

I CAN'T.

I have never been born to purposely throw hurtful words at someone's wounds or weaknesses just because I want something from them. I will never do it to any one because I know how much it hurts.

In those moments when the volunteer hurled the single mom bashings on me, a hundred putdowns about him did cross my mind but they went away in a flash. I chose not to say anything else except asking him to respect my principles, and my right to say 'no' to such business proposals. And I finally boldly said this to him ( and to other men who threw the same single mom verbal lashings at me in the past), "I am a single mom with dignity, I deserve respect. I am financially poorer than you and your friends, but I am not a beggar! Your words are like violence, and they should not come from respectable gentlemen like you!"

That night, I met some very nice happy people at a party at a beautiful place with a lot of positive energy. I began to relax. Who says life is a bowl of cherries? Just enjoy whatever come your way......

Then I met a friend who told me about the news of Aleesha Farhana's death on his twitter. The court had turned down her application to change her gender from 'male' to 'female' after she had a sex change operation. She was going to be included in this project as Nisha and Sulastri's friend in their struggle to battle the extreme legal and societal prejudice. (On Sunday night, July 31, Nisha organized a candle light vigil at Dataran Merdeka for her, braising the possibility that she too can be arrested by the police for cross-dressing.)

I felt numbed. This project seems to be marked by deaths right at the beginning. First, it was Justina who passed away in January, then it was Lucy's mother, and then her mother-in-law, then it was Pong's beloved mother in June. And now it is Aleesha? She was not just another woman!

Hello, God, where are you?

My friend suspected that Aleesha died of suicide because she gave up the struggle to be who she wanted to be. Her life, like many other transgenders', was marred by so many barriers that result from prejudice against them. It is hard for transgenders to get a formal job as their IC cards bear the 'male' status while they appear as women. It is also hard for them to even seek medical help in the public health system. They can't party like the normal people as the police can raid them for cross-dressing.

When the party was winding down, I got to relax on a hammock. Swinging sideways, the hammock sang lullaby silently to me in the gentle breeze. I looked out at the dark shadows of faraway mountains, the day's events rushed past me again.

Is this a bad day or a good day?

The hammock swang -- right, left, right left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right left, right, left, right, left, right, left,right, left, right left, right, left, right, left, right, left, left, right, left, right left.

When it stopped, I mentally pat myself. "Hey, you, for the first time in your life, you FINALLY stand up to someone who can't take a gentle 'no' from a thinking woman! Congratulations for growing up!"

"And don't get work up from single mom bashings, they are pale in comparison to the kinds of verbal and physical assaults that Nisha and Sulastri's community faces! They have it worst and they still dance and sing and they never give up!"

I asked the faraway mountains, "God, am I on a self-discovery journey as this project unfolds?"

The faraway mountains answered in silence. I embraced the silence before I got out of the hammock to go home.

I will wait for the answers.

By CSC

It's a Girl Thing

2011-07-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

When I first met with Nisha, I went wow, she's gorgeous.

And then we start talking and she's just the sweetest person ever.

We decided to meet up again the next day for lunch with her and Kak Su.

I was late though (so sorry Nisha and Kak Su!!) so that by the time I arrived, they had already finished lunch so we did what most self-respecting women would do when there's time left during lunch break - window shop!

Usual stuff - dress, shoes, make up. And since we hardly knew each other, we maneuvered around topics to get to know each other better.

On make up - Nisha has one of the most beautiful pairs of eyes - my pictures of her just do not do her justice - next time I meet up with her again, I'll take better pictures! We went eye liner shopping as she needed a new pencil. She likes the soft eye liner pencils and I said I used to use eyeliners but they get smudged so easily that by the end of the day I look like an owl. Her advice for me is, which I haven't taken up yet, is to stick to eye shadows! I asked her if it was a TG thing to know so much about make up and beauty. I almost kicked myself for asking her that. But she's so patient and takes it in her stride all the stereotyping.

On stereotyping - It isn't so much that it's a TG thing; it's a personal thing, some people do, some people don't. And it's only because there are not much other employment choices (given to more stereotyping and discrimination) that it's easier for TG's to get into the beauty industry. Here, both Nisha and Sulastri are quite vocal about being given recognition based on their abilities and not on gender. Which reminds me of another topic we spoke about.

On labels - So what is offensive and non-offensive? The most preferred is Mak Nyah. I looked up Mak Nyah to see if there was a history behind the term but couldn't find anything - the one that they had on wikipedia only gave the literal translation from Malay - Mak is mother and Nyah means to run from. Hmmm. And I learned a new term - transwoman.

On identity - Nisha has had a strong sense of identify for as long as she can remember. Despite what people around her told her. Despite the negativity. She remembers being jealous of her girl friends - she wanted big beautiful breasts and she worked hard to save up and as soon as she had the money, she went for an operation in, wait for it - good 'ol Johor Bahru! Who would have thought??? Hey (being a skinny not very well endowed Asian) I want big beautiful ones too, maybe I should drop by JB soon! OK, never mind.

On breasts and birth control pills - She took some and they made her breasts rounder, fuller and perkier. Her skin became softer and her body muscle mass rearranged so that her body got curvier. Interesting - I read up on birth control pills afterwards, and found out that it does the same thing for women. Some women reported growing up to 2 cups larger from taking the pills! Wow.

On being hormonal - But the pills also made her more emotional, more weepy, more sensitive - all the stuff of PMS. Yekk. And she got fatigued more easily. They gave her headaches, and made her skin break out. They contributed to her high blood pressure as well. So now she has switched brands and reduced her dosage, and they work perfectly for her!

I'm going to meet up with her again at her home and perhaps a (working) party or two - an event she's organising.

Can't wait! :)

by louise

Losing the Love of Her Life

2011-07-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago, my daughter, Big R, told me she might be leaving the nest next year. Although I have tried to mentally prepare myself that the bird will fly off one day, I dread the day when the bird actually flies off the nest!

I have taken care of her for almost 17 years, her short breaks away from me give me the 'lonely' feeling as if I have lost a part of myself somewhere. I've built eHomemakers because I want other mothers to have the same opportunity to work near or close to their children or have flexi time to be with their children. In short, she has been my life's aim. I live for her. It feels so right to know she is some where within my reach.

That night, I developed a headache in the midst of my sleep. It was tension headache, the kind one gets when one is afraid of losing someone or something precious, the kind a mother gets from worrying because she loves her child, so much, so much that her own life is secondary to the child's.

The same kind of headache that Pong Seow Chin's mother had consistently developed after hospital visits to her daughter.

When Pong Seow Chin was in a coma more than 25 years ago and the doctor predicted that she wasn't going to live, her mother walked or rode bicycle to the Ipoh General Hospital to see her daily for several months. Refusing to let her daughter die, the devoted mother massaged the pressure points on her toe to wake her up ( the same pressure points to relieve headaches) as she sang songs in Cantonese, and also the Mandarin song "Ma Ma Hou ( Mother is Best). She didn't have much education, so she sang the song in broken Mandarin. Some people in the third class ward threw her dirty looks, some patients scolded her for disturbing their sleep, but she didn't care. She had one major aim in life -- to wake her daughter up to listen to her voice.

When Pong woke up, amidst the muffled noises and blurry images, she heard a strong, clear voice calling her name. "I am beside you, wake up, wake up, my daughter." The voice drew her back from deep blackness, she opened her eyes and saw her mother's face, looking at her longingly, calling and caressing her hand.

Her mother was the pillar in her life since then. She was the one who told her not to give up on life, learn as much as possible (which led to Pong learning to speak English by listening to others), and live life to its fullest. Her mother cleaned Pong and dressed her up when Pong couldn't do so. She was still doing this for Pong till she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in Febraury, 2011. The family couldn't afford chemotherapy or other forms of cancer therapy, so Pong's mother just bore with the pains and let her strength sip from her in the last few months. She still grew vegetables for sale, took care of Pong, accompanied Pong for all her hospital visits and sat outside the ward at night when Pong had a surgery in May. But she couldn't sing any Cantonese songs as to Pong who was under anesthesia as her strength was limited.

I called Pong on Saturday July 2 morning, the usuallly cheerful Pong was very subdued. Her voice quivered, "I am not doing well, my mom's eyes are closed, she is waiting to die. Any time."

"Be strong. Stay by your mom, she needs you now. Do update me, Ok?"

Pong agreed but she didn't answer her phone for a few days till today, July 13, I finally got her at 7pm. "My mom passed away that night...... remember, you called me in the morning?"

Pong is very sad. Her mother has given her so much encouragement over the years and was the strong positive force in her life. "I promise you I will be strong. I will make sure my wound will heal from the recent surgery." Pong's voice was slightly cheerful when I told her I will try to make her wish comes true. She loves to see some famous sights in Malaysia, Singapore or even somewhere in the world.

"Your mom's spirit will accompany you when you go to these places, she will be smiling too," I assured her.

There was a slight uplift in her voice when she described her mother's face, "She was calm, peaceful and smiled a bit because all the family members were beside her bed." It is so Pong to look at the bright side of a dark cloud.

After the call, I felt so unsettled.

I could see in my mind's eyes, Pong laying on her wooden trolley, her elbows holding her upper torso upright, calling out to her mother who was laying on the old bed, "Ma ma, don't leave me!"

Her mother could hear her, yet she couldn't touch her daugthter or carees her hand to assure her not to worry about mother. The bed level was higher than the trolley on the floor that Pong was laying on. So near, yet so unreachable, Pong's disability sat heavily between the mother and daughter like an abyss, making the physical touch they so needed at the last few moments before her mother's spirit went to the Other Side into a dream that they couldn't achieve, but a cruel reality they both knew about for years if this scene ever occured.

Pong once said to me, "I want to go before my mom, I don't want her to have this burden of taking care of me."

But her mom scolded her, "You are talking rubbish. I am old already, you have a young life. Don't ever say things like this again! If anything happens, I will always be with you."

When they came to eHomemakers' Mother's Day Celebration in KL because her mother won one of the top three awards several years ago, it was an eye opening experience for all those who attended the high tea sponsored by Nestle. Every winner was supposed to give a five-minute speech. Pong's mother was too shy to speak in Cantonese, so Pong spoke in English on behalf of her mother, telling us how her mother nursed her back from coma and how she had help Pong to keep on living despite the disabilities. Although her mother didn't understand English, she watched Pong from her seat, smiling slightly and reservedly, not wanting to show too much of her emotions.

When asked what she thought of her daughter who could speak English and do so in public effortlessly, she just nodded, hiding a shy smile when she turned her head.

Pong's mother was a woman of perseverance. Despite the family's poverty, she managed to bring up her children with her farmer husband and nursed Pong on her own when the public hospital service had failed to help Pong.

She never gave up on Pong. That is why Pong will not give up on her mother's dream for her to be more than ''the legless body who lies on the trolley'.

Pong doesn't know what potential she could achieve yet. It will take her a long time to get use to her life without her mother's support. Through this project, I hope to gather resources to help her.

Right now, I need to put aside my sadness for Pong and get on with my life just like her. I have difficulty doing so because Pong's mother's sad, longing face keep floating into my thought. I feel her sorrow in a very real way because I am a mother myself. It breaks any mother's heart into pieces when she is unable to caress her daughter's hand, now that the DISTANCE between them is larger than ever, so near yet so far.

by CSC

Riddling Roads?

2011-07-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

Where Am I Supposed to Go? I sometimes ask myself.

For several weeks, Eric, a friend, was trying to get me to go to some meditative seminars. But I turned him down, citing fevers, coughs and tiredness, or that I had too much work to do that every weekend I was still working in front of the computer instead of relaxing. He kept emailing me to take a break to refresh, even calling me a 'dumb arse' ( he meant well and he likes to joke with me!!) for not attending a healing seminar that a friend wanted to sponsor for me. When I gave him another reason to my stress - I have to fundraise to do this project, I I haven't been able to do well in this because I haven't gotten the right doors.

If I can’t fundraise the monies needed, I will have to get volunteers and do bartering with willing parties,that is a lot of negotiation and coordinating as getting volunteers to render reliable help is difficult. If I can't find TV quality camera, the documentary will not have the TV quality enough to be aired on TV channels or Internet TV, then it defeats the purpose of working on this project as I want to fundraise for Pong’s special chair and medical fees, and highlight the issues behind the women. The HD camera with a boom mic for the filming of the documentary costs Rm20,000 over! I am not a tech person, when I hear such number, I get stressed.

No one I have asked so far wants to lend such a camera to the project for free. No corporate so far wants to come in to sponsor the project because the women portrayed are not the ‘sexy’ consumers they want --the ones with disposable incomes. Corporates are concerned with the disadvantaged women hurting their branding!!

Failing to get me away from my work station even on weekend, Eric wrote a poem and dedicated it to me. It is the first time in my life someone wrote a poem just for me!
The Riddling Road

On this riddling road
I’ve been treading on so long
A journey of puzzling loads
Not to be solved, but to sing along

Countless things I’ve been questioning

Seeking answers that may not be,

The more I ask, the more wonderings

Perhaps the seeker isn’t the real me.

Along the way, there are choices
They exist only due to duality
Between a choice, I hear many voices
The more I choose, the more I create my destiny.

This riddling road is to be enjoyed

Learning to have fun would suffice

Truly, there is nothing I can avoid

For I am a fool walking in paradise.

The happening one day will come

When I realize my choiceless awareness,

The inside and the outside are one

And I finally exit with effortlessness.

His poem seems to be right on the dot about the state of my life! I have made choices and the choices have given me more riddles to solve. Or more problems to overcome if I look at it the negative way, or more opportunity to explore if I look at it from the positive angle.

After re-reading his poem several times, I see another riddle that I haven't solved.

Does Eric see me as a lost soul turning round and round amongst riddling roads? IS it because I haven't been loving myself by giving myself time? I only see what I need to do but not giving myself time to BE?

I am thinking.

By CSC

My Dream is Written Here

2011-07-10T03:38:00.000-07:00

It is July 10, 2011.

我的梦想写在这里

A momentous day, unreported by any news agency about its importance, but nevertheless, a very historic day in the cyber world. Millions of Malaysians, overseas or residing right in Malaysia are buzy surfing the Net about July 9^th’s Bersih demonstration in KL. Thousands of those who attended yesterday’s rally are buzy uploading and adding tags to their pictures and writing to friends. My email and Facebook are full of messages about what happened yesterday at the city center.

The work tasks I planned for today were shelved. I ended up looking at pictures, videos and comments in FB. Having several hours by myself surfing the Net is doing good to my writing mood. The silent reading takes away writing inertia, and it inspires me to continue to write this project blog.

Although I have written only two blogs after more than three years of ‘rest’, it feels good to write without having to worry about censorship! Of course, I am not going to write anything I am not supposed to write and get this project shut down. But to know that I can even write the last sentence and get it published is a real taste of FREEDOM!

I learnt to write this character when I was eight.
Later on in life, I hardly ever wrote this character out and I hardly dared to speak about my own dream.
Until now.

(Source: Orientaloutpost.com)

Perhaps I have developed too much fear from writing a column in a newspaper. Fear of the ISA. Fear of people with powers to decide my life. Fears of people with power to destroy my dreams.

“If you write your dreams down, you will achieve them,” a friend who is a
firm believer in energy told me. “If you write your fears down and burn the paper, the fears will go away.”

So here they are, my dreams, written down clearly, first time in my life :

An image of me with a group of friends laughing, enjoying great foods and wines. The background is a beautiful landscape with trees, flowers, rivers, mountains. I have no worries about my responsibility. Everything I am supposed to be in-charged of is well taken care of.

           *      I will retire from actively running eHomemakers in nine years’ time, and I am going
                   to go into documentary-making and script-writing. I want to enjoy my life with content
                  creation that has social impact and use it to make changes.

Krishen Jit's dream was to help people realize
their dreams.

My fears -- I listed down ten and I am going to burn the paper tonight.

“Krishen Jit’s dream is to grow your dream,” Marion d'Cruz of the Five Arts Center said to me at the press conference last November.

Finally, I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

How about the five women I am portraying in this project?

What kinds of fears face then? What kinds of dreams do they have?

I shall find out.

And I am going to write, with my dreams looking over the keyboard.

By CSC